>>>>>>> Airline Announcements?
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> United Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people we're not
>>>>>>> picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!
>>>>>>> *************************************
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of
>>>>>>> your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make
>>>>>>> sure it's something we'd like to have. '
>>>>>>> *************************************
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> 'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4
>>>>>>> ways out of this airplane'
>>>>>>> *************************************
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
>>>>>>> hammered his ship into the runway rea lly har d. The airline
>>>>>>> had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the
>>>>>>> door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks
>>>>>>> for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad
>>>>>>> landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye,
>>>>>>> thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally
>>>>>>> everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking
>>>>>>> with a cane.
>>>>>>> She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'
>>>>>>> 'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'
>>>>>>> The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'
>>>>>>> ***************************************
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a
>>>>>>> lone voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella, WHOA!'
>>>>>>> *******************************************
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in
>>>>>>> Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced,
>>>>>>> 'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because
>>>>>>> sure as heck everything has shifted after a landing like that.'
>>>>>>> *************************************
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect
>>>>>>> landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain
>>>>>>> Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'
>>>>>>> *********** ************************ **</ SPAN>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo , Texas
>>>>>>> on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final
>>>>>>> approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an
>>>>>>> extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and
>>>>>>> Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo . Please remain in your seats
>>>>>>> with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's
>>>>>>> left of our airplane to the gate!'
>>>>>>> ***********************************
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> 'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event
>>>>>>> of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take
>>>>>>> them with our compliments.'
>>>>>>> ***********************************
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> 'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your
>>>>>>> belonging s. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly
>>>>>>> among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or
>>>>>>> spouses......except for that gentleman over there.'
>>>>>>> ******************************************
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in
>>>>>>> Salt Lake City . The flight attendant came on the intercom and
>>>>>>> said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are
>>>>>>> thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault,
>>>>>>> it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's
>>>>>>> fault, it was the asphalt.'
>>>>>>> ****************************************
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix , the attendant
>>>>>>> came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats
>>>>>>> until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a
>>>>>>> screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has
>>>>>>> cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door
>>>>>>> and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the
>>>>>>> terminal.'
>>>>>>> ****************************************
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to
>>>>>>> thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time
>>>>>>> you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a
>>>>>>> pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways.'
>>>>>>> ****************************************
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and gentlemen, if
>>>>>>> you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on
>>>>>>> the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.'
>>>>>>> ************************** **************
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached
>>>>>>> a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an
>>>>>>> announcement over the interco m, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is
>>>>>>> your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop
>>>>>>> from New York to Los Angeles . The weather ahead is good and,
>>>>>>> therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now
>>>>>>> sit back and relax... OH, MY !' Silence followed, and after
>>>>>>> a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said,
>>>>>>> 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier.
>>>>>>> While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally
>>>>>>> spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front
>>>>>>> of my pants!'
>>>>>>> A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing. Y ou should see
>>>>>>> the back of mine!'
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> United Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people we're not
>>>>>>> picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!
>>>>>>> *************************************
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of
>>>>>>> your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make
>>>>>>> sure it's something we'd like to have. '
>>>>>>> *************************************
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> 'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4
>>>>>>> ways out of this airplane'
>>>>>>> *************************************
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
>>>>>>> hammered his ship into the runway rea lly har d. The airline
>>>>>>> had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the
>>>>>>> door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks
>>>>>>> for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad
>>>>>>> landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye,
>>>>>>> thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally
>>>>>>> everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking
>>>>>>> with a cane.
>>>>>>> She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'
>>>>>>> 'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'
>>>>>>> The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'
>>>>>>> ***************************************
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a
>>>>>>> lone voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella, WHOA!'
>>>>>>> *******************************************
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in
>>>>>>> Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced,
>>>>>>> 'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because
>>>>>>> sure as heck everything has shifted after a landing like that.'
>>>>>>> *************************************
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect
>>>>>>> landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain
>>>>>>> Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'
>>>>>>> *********** ************************ **</ SPAN>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo , Texas
>>>>>>> on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final
>>>>>>> approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an
>>>>>>> extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and
>>>>>>> Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo . Please remain in your seats
>>>>>>> with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's
>>>>>>> left of our airplane to the gate!'
>>>>>>> ***********************************
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> 'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event
>>>>>>> of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take
>>>>>>> them with our compliments.'
>>>>>>> ***********************************
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> 'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your
>>>>>>> belonging s. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly
>>>>>>> among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or
>>>>>>> spouses......except for that gentleman over there.'
>>>>>>> ******************************************
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in
>>>>>>> Salt Lake City . The flight attendant came on the intercom and
>>>>>>> said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are
>>>>>>> thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault,
>>>>>>> it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's
>>>>>>> fault, it was the asphalt.'
>>>>>>> ****************************************
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix , the attendant
>>>>>>> came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats
>>>>>>> until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a
>>>>>>> screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has
>>>>>>> cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door
>>>>>>> and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the
>>>>>>> terminal.'
>>>>>>> ****************************************
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to
>>>>>>> thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time
>>>>>>> you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a
>>>>>>> pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways.'
>>>>>>> ****************************************
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and gentlemen, if
>>>>>>> you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on
>>>>>>> the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.'
>>>>>>> ************************** **************
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached
>>>>>>> a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an
>>>>>>> announcement over the interco m, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is
>>>>>>> your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop
>>>>>>> from New York to Los Angeles . The weather ahead is good and,
>>>>>>> therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now
>>>>>>> sit back and relax... OH, MY !' Silence followed, and after
>>>>>>> a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said,
>>>>>>> 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier.
>>>>>>> While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally
>>>>>>> spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front
>>>>>>> of my pants!'
>>>>>>> A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing. Y ou should see
>>>>>>> the back of mine!'
