most of these have been posted already but I got this emailed to me and saw alot of new ones so here they are......some are bad some are good I edited the bad words out
100 Facts about Chuck Norris
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck
Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the ^^^^ he wants.
Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no
one fools Chuck Norris.
Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name
into concrete.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was
replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and
save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win
the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get
out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4
card from the game Uno.
Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm
escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus
Prime.
If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean
Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the
courage to tell him.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating
pain, the cobra died.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is
afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the
possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for
Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.
Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when
they touch his body.
Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck
Norris will not take **** from anyone.
Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to
spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing
around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken
but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's ^^^^ing beef.
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many
seconds you have left to live.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his
soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and
admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second
Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not
grow on steel.
If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear
Chuck Norris banging your sister.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck
Norris
Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month.
They bleed for a week as a result.
The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that
Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and
wins.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
Chuck Norris is always on top during sex because Chuck Norris never
****s up.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry,
the man ate a ****ing Indian.
Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states
in order to legally wear pants.
Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I
mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the
back of the face.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than
Death can process them.
A rogue squirrel once challenged Chuck Norris to a nut hunt around the
park. Before beginning, Chuck simply dropped his pants, instantly
killing the squirrel and 3 small children. Chuck knows you can't find
bigger, better nuts than that.
Mr. T once defeated Chuck Norris in a game of Tic-Tac-Toe. In
retaliation, Chuck Norris invented racism.
Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns
the dark off.
Chuck Norris never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not
even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck
Norris.
Passed out, surrounded by terrorists and nerve gas, and handcuffed to a
table leg, Chuck Norris laughed to himself and said, "I have them right
where I want them."
Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck
Norris' roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murdered in Boulder
County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris
does not "attempt" murder.
The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just
entered a world with Chuck Norris.
The phrase, "You are what you eat" cannot be true based on the amount of
pussy Chuck Norris eats.
Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."
Pinatas were made in an attempt to get Chuck Norris to stop kicking the
people of Mexico. Sadly this backfired, as all it has resulted in is
Chuck Norris now looking for candy after he kicks his victims.
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And
then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the ^^^^ Chuck Norris is.
Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down and struck oil.
Chuck Norris doesn't need a miracle in order to split the ocean. He just
walks in and the water gets the ^^^^ out of the way.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw
Brett Favre even further.
Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for
Chuck Norris.
It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a
wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.
Chuck Norris was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the
Rings. He declined because, "Only a pussy would need three movies to
destroy a piece of jewelery."
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for
handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot
belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park
there.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck
Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble
Tape. Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his
penis.
Chuck Norris keeps his ID on the bottom of his right foot. Nobody ever
asks him for his ID.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has
been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and
tears.
Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will
die.
Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say please."
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.
The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a
mistake.
The only reason Chuck Norris didn't win an Oscar for his performance in
"Sidekicks" is because nobody in their right mind would willingly give
Chuck Norris a blunt metal object. That's just suicide.
The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the
best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the
worst mistake anyone has ever made.
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't
real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays
"hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during
sex, because they are doing the same thing.
When Superman squeezes a lump of coal, he creates a diamond. When Chuck
Norris squeezes a lump of coal, he creates an African child to work in
his diamond mines.
Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris has gone black, and then came back.
Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons with two pieces
of wood connected by a chain were called NunBarrys. No one ever did find
out what happened to Barry.
Upon hearing that his good friend, Lance Armstrong, lost his testicles
to cancer, Chuck Norris donated one of his to Lance. With just one of
Chuck's nuts, Lance was able to win the Tour De France seven times. By
the way, Chuck still has two testicles; either he was able to produce a
new one simply by flexing, or he had three to begin with. No one knows
for sure.
Chuck Norris used to beat the ^^^^ out of his shadow because it was
following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
When Chuck Norris answers the phone, he just says "Go". This is not
permission for you to begin speaking, it is your cue to start running
for your life.
Chuck Norris cannot predict the future; the future just better ^^^^ing
do what Chuck Norris says.
The most honorable way of dying is taking a bullet for Chuck Norris.
This amuses Chuck Norris because he is bulletproof.
Chuck Norris once finished "The Song that Never Ends".
We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't
kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the
eye.
100 Facts about Chuck Norris
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck
Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the ^^^^ he wants.
Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no
one fools Chuck Norris.
Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name
into concrete.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was
replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and
save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win
the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get
out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4
card from the game Uno.
Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm
escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus
Prime.
If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean
Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the
courage to tell him.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating
pain, the cobra died.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is
afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the
possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for
Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.
Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when
they touch his body.
Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck
Norris will not take **** from anyone.
Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to
spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing
around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken
but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's ^^^^ing beef.
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many
seconds you have left to live.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his
soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and
admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second
Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not
grow on steel.
If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear
Chuck Norris banging your sister.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck
Norris
Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month.
They bleed for a week as a result.
The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that
Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and
wins.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
Chuck Norris is always on top during sex because Chuck Norris never
****s up.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry,
the man ate a ****ing Indian.
Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states
in order to legally wear pants.
Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I
mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the
back of the face.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than
Death can process them.
A rogue squirrel once challenged Chuck Norris to a nut hunt around the
park. Before beginning, Chuck simply dropped his pants, instantly
killing the squirrel and 3 small children. Chuck knows you can't find
bigger, better nuts than that.
Mr. T once defeated Chuck Norris in a game of Tic-Tac-Toe. In
retaliation, Chuck Norris invented racism.
Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns
the dark off.
Chuck Norris never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not
even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck
Norris.
Passed out, surrounded by terrorists and nerve gas, and handcuffed to a
table leg, Chuck Norris laughed to himself and said, "I have them right
where I want them."
Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck
Norris' roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murdered in Boulder
County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris
does not "attempt" murder.
The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just
entered a world with Chuck Norris.
The phrase, "You are what you eat" cannot be true based on the amount of
pussy Chuck Norris eats.
Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."
Pinatas were made in an attempt to get Chuck Norris to stop kicking the
people of Mexico. Sadly this backfired, as all it has resulted in is
Chuck Norris now looking for candy after he kicks his victims.
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And
then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the ^^^^ Chuck Norris is.
Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down and struck oil.
Chuck Norris doesn't need a miracle in order to split the ocean. He just
walks in and the water gets the ^^^^ out of the way.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw
Brett Favre even further.
Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for
Chuck Norris.
It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a
wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.
Chuck Norris was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the
Rings. He declined because, "Only a pussy would need three movies to
destroy a piece of jewelery."
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for
handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot
belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park
there.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck
Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble
Tape. Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his
penis.
Chuck Norris keeps his ID on the bottom of his right foot. Nobody ever
asks him for his ID.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has
been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and
tears.
Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will
die.
Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say please."
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.
The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a
mistake.
The only reason Chuck Norris didn't win an Oscar for his performance in
"Sidekicks" is because nobody in their right mind would willingly give
Chuck Norris a blunt metal object. That's just suicide.
The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the
best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the
worst mistake anyone has ever made.
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't
real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays
"hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during
sex, because they are doing the same thing.
When Superman squeezes a lump of coal, he creates a diamond. When Chuck
Norris squeezes a lump of coal, he creates an African child to work in
his diamond mines.
Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris has gone black, and then came back.
Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons with two pieces
of wood connected by a chain were called NunBarrys. No one ever did find
out what happened to Barry.
Upon hearing that his good friend, Lance Armstrong, lost his testicles
to cancer, Chuck Norris donated one of his to Lance. With just one of
Chuck's nuts, Lance was able to win the Tour De France seven times. By
the way, Chuck still has two testicles; either he was able to produce a
new one simply by flexing, or he had three to begin with. No one knows
for sure.
Chuck Norris used to beat the ^^^^ out of his shadow because it was
following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
When Chuck Norris answers the phone, he just says "Go". This is not
permission for you to begin speaking, it is your cue to start running
for your life.
Chuck Norris cannot predict the future; the future just better ^^^^ing
do what Chuck Norris says.
The most honorable way of dying is taking a bullet for Chuck Norris.
This amuses Chuck Norris because he is bulletproof.
Chuck Norris once finished "The Song that Never Ends".
We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't
kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the
eye.
