My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
> He thought he was God, and I didn't.
> ---------------------------------------------------------------
> Marriage is a three-ring circus:
> Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
> ----------------------------------------------------------------
> For Sale:
> Wedding dress, size 8. Worn once by mistake.
> ----------------------------------------------------------------
> There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
> Before marriage and after marriage.
> ----------------------------------------------------------------
> Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
> Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go,
they
>take your house and car.
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too
>qualified for the job.
> "Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actualexperience in picking
>lemons?"
> "Well, as a matter of fact, yes!" she replied.?
> "I've been divorced three times."
> ----------------------------------------------------------------
> An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse
he
>has been living with for the last 40 years.
> The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
>that were used to put the curse on you."
> The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and
wife."
> ----------------------------------------------------------------
> Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve a Forest of Dean Murder:
> All the DNA is the same.
> ---------------------------------------------------------------
> I was in the express lane at the supermarket quietly fuming. Completely
ignoring
>the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing
>a trolley piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier
beckoned
>the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which
>six items would you like to buy?"
> Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
> ----------------------------------------------------------------
> Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly
>neighbour and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.
> "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not
>have 45 minutes."
> They were seated immediately.
> ---------------------------------------------------------------
> The reason MPs try so hard to get re-elected is that they would
>hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
> ----------------------------------------------------------------
> All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down
>the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed
>her father and placed something in his hand.
> The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even
>the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the
>bride gave him back his credit card.
> ----------------------------------------------------------------
> Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax
>and get used to the idea.
> ----------------------------------------------------------------
> Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're
>in your casket, and friends and family members are mourning over you,
>what would you like them to say?"
> Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a
>fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
> Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher
>and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
> Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
> ----------------------------------------------------------------
> Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to
>God.
> > Looking up, he asks the Lord..."God, what does a million years mean
>to you?"
> The Lord replies, "A minute."
> Smith asks, "And what does a million pounds mean to you?"
> The Lord replies, "A penny."
> Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
> The Lord replies, "In a minute."
> ----------------------------------------------------------------
> A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to
>me. Every evening, she goes to our local pub and picks up men. In fact,
she
>sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I
should
>do?"
> "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now,
tell
>me, exactly where is your local?"
> ----------------------------------------------------------------
> John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request,
>dear," he said.
> "Of course, John," his wife said softly.
> "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
> "But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
> With his last breath John said, "I do!"
> ----------------------------------------------------------------
> A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening
>and I have to talk to you about it."
> The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
> The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
> The Rabbi, very surprised by this asks, "How can that be?"
> The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning
>me, what should I do?"
> The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see
>what I can find out and I'll let you know."
> A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your
>wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
> The man said 'yes' and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison".
>
Hope they made you
> He thought he was God, and I didn't.
> ---------------------------------------------------------------
> Marriage is a three-ring circus:
> Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
> ----------------------------------------------------------------
> For Sale:
> Wedding dress, size 8. Worn once by mistake.
> ----------------------------------------------------------------
> There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
> Before marriage and after marriage.
> ----------------------------------------------------------------
> Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
> Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go,
they
>take your house and car.
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too
>qualified for the job.
> "Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actualexperience in picking
>lemons?"
> "Well, as a matter of fact, yes!" she replied.?
> "I've been divorced three times."
> ----------------------------------------------------------------
> An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse
he
>has been living with for the last 40 years.
> The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
>that were used to put the curse on you."
> The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and
wife."
> ----------------------------------------------------------------
> Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve a Forest of Dean Murder:
> All the DNA is the same.
> ---------------------------------------------------------------
> I was in the express lane at the supermarket quietly fuming. Completely
ignoring
>the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing
>a trolley piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier
beckoned
>the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which
>six items would you like to buy?"
> Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
> ----------------------------------------------------------------
> Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly
>neighbour and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.
> "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not
>have 45 minutes."
> They were seated immediately.
> ---------------------------------------------------------------
> The reason MPs try so hard to get re-elected is that they would
>hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
> ----------------------------------------------------------------
> All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down
>the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed
>her father and placed something in his hand.
> The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even
>the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the
>bride gave him back his credit card.
> ----------------------------------------------------------------
> Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax
>and get used to the idea.
> ----------------------------------------------------------------
> Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're
>in your casket, and friends and family members are mourning over you,
>what would you like them to say?"
> Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a
>fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
> Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher
>and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
> Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
> ----------------------------------------------------------------
> Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to
>God.
> > Looking up, he asks the Lord..."God, what does a million years mean
>to you?"
> The Lord replies, "A minute."
> Smith asks, "And what does a million pounds mean to you?"
> The Lord replies, "A penny."
> Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
> The Lord replies, "In a minute."
> ----------------------------------------------------------------
> A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to
>me. Every evening, she goes to our local pub and picks up men. In fact,
she
>sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I
should
>do?"
> "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now,
tell
>me, exactly where is your local?"
> ----------------------------------------------------------------
> John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request,
>dear," he said.
> "Of course, John," his wife said softly.
> "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
> "But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
> With his last breath John said, "I do!"
> ----------------------------------------------------------------
> A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening
>and I have to talk to you about it."
> The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
> The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
> The Rabbi, very surprised by this asks, "How can that be?"
> The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning
>me, what should I do?"
> The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see
>what I can find out and I'll let you know."
> A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your
>wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
> The man said 'yes' and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison".
>
Hope they made you
)Its a small rural area.