I saw this a while ago just had someone e-mail it to me again

[drgnfly829]

>It is all a matter of perspective…
>
>"Excerpts from a Dog's Diary"
>
>8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
>9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
>9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
>10:30am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
>12:00pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
>1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
>3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
>5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
>7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
>8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
>11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
>
>
>"Excerpts from a Cat's Diary"
>
>Day 983 of my captivity.
>My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They
>dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or
>some sort of dry nuggets.
>
>Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless
>must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
>The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.
>In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
>
>Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.
>I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly
>demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending
>comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!
>
>There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight.
>I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.
>However, I could hear the noises and smell the food.
>I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies."
>I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
>
>Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
>tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking.
>I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
>
>I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
>The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems
>to be
>more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
>
>The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the
>guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors
>have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is
>safe.
>
>For now...
>

 

[GJC]

Love that one lol, saving it this time

 

[drgnfly829]

How to give a pill to a cat and a dog
CAT:

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As the cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and vigorously rub cat's throat.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make a note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of your last tetanus jab. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13) Tie the little @#!*#^~!'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty Pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

DOG: Wrap pill in bacon, cheese or peanut butter. Make him beg.

 

[drgnfly829]

CATS AND MICE AND HEAVEN

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know."

The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor." The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again, there is the Lord there to great them with the same offer.

The mice answered, "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?" The Lord says, "Say no more," and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.

About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?"

The cat stretches and yawns and replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"

 

[cichlaguapote]

Love that first one..

 

[drgnfly829]

If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug.

Determine quickly which guest hates cats, or is allergic. Sit on that lap during the evening. He won't dare push you off and will even call you "nice kitty." If you can arrange to have cat food on your breath, so much better.

For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs select colors that contrast with your own.

Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

For guests who say they love cats, be ready with aloof disdain, claws applied to stockings or a quick nip at the ankles. Don't forget to hiss.

Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once the door is opened for you, it is not necessary to use it. You can change your mind. When you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half in and half out and think about several things. This is particularly important during cold weather or mosquito season.

If one person is busy and the other is idle, sit with the busy one. For book readers, get in close under the chin, unless you can lie across the book itself.

For people doing homework, sit on the paper being worked on. After being moved for the second time, push anything movable off the table -- pens, pencils, stamps -- one at a time.

Get enough sleep during the daytime so that you are fresh for playing at night between 2 and 4 a.

 

[M|L]

He is obviously retarded.