One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to
function relatively well. However, you are still
parched. You can drink 5 cokes and still feel this
way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.
Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may
look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a
staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only
increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing
around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle
House excursion. There is some definite havoc being
wreaked upon your bowels.
Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You
are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you
gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored
schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to
drink. Life would be better right now if you were home
in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of
coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke
--- yet you haven't peed once.
Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak
too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has
already lambasted you for being late and has given
you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes,
but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one
side of your face. For the ladies, it looks like you
put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars. Your
eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair
hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the
first of about five ****s you take during the day
brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the
bathroom...
Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is
actually annoying the employee who sits in the next
cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and
making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in
the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in
an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out.
Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva
so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the
foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed
out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate
results in a fire hose like discharge of
alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in.
The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to
splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death
sounds pretty good about right now....
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to
function relatively well. However, you are still
parched. You can drink 5 cokes and still feel this
way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.
Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may
look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a
staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only
increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing
around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle
House excursion. There is some definite havoc being
wreaked upon your bowels.
Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You
are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you
gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored
schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to
drink. Life would be better right now if you were home
in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of
coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke
--- yet you haven't peed once.
Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak
too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has
already lambasted you for being late and has given
you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes,
but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one
side of your face. For the ladies, it looks like you
put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars. Your
eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair
hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the
first of about five ****s you take during the day
brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the
bathroom...
Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is
actually annoying the employee who sits in the next
cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and
making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in
the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in
an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out.
Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva
so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the
foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed
out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate
results in a fire hose like discharge of
alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in.
The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to
splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death
sounds pretty good about right now....
