Ketchup Sandwiches-
WonderBread and ketchup. Thats it.
Toasted if you can afford the electricity. Cost offset by raiding McDonald's condiment pumps.
No bread? Stores like Safeway have free crackers at the bulk soup pots.
Really desperate for ingredients? Hunger activating primal instincts?
Hit the park and wait for seniors to feed the pigeons.
Two quick head bonks nets an urban chicken and stale crust stuffing.
Roast it over a blazing park bench.
Rub on wino for seasoning.
Free Heat-
Save all that junk mail and burn it under your hot water heater.
Get that sucker flaming good. So when you step out of the shower the whole house is nice and toasty.
Water shut off due to delinquent payments?
Just burn those disconnect notices, fire department will handle the rest.
Neighborhood BBQ-
Works best during uncomfortably hot or cold days, must still be BBQ weather.
Ride transit bus rear bumper till you reach suburbs. Stroll aimlessly down back alleys, sniffing out likely targets.
When the cook ducks inside to relax in the heated/air condition house, jump the fence. Pet the dog, grab a steak and stuff a potato down your pants. Pet the dog, hit the road.
Happy Hour-
Stroll the bent bars. Those guys buy prospects drinks just like we do. More so if they know you are strait. New friends and all of that.
You cant fake it. They have the best radar. Just drop in casual, ask for directions or something. Accept the drink from your new friends.
They know lots of jokes you never heard before. And are shockingly good at karaoke. So you get drinks and a show.
And they are usually 100% non-violent. Unlike most testosterone fueled sports bars.
Just know your limits and get out before you black out.
Sleepy Headed Homeless Blues-
I dont know why the Man doesn't like you sleeping in public, but thats the way it is.
Seems you can do almost anything in a park these days. Except catch some shut eye.
The library is out. They have the best anti-homeless security in the world. Because thats where most hidden homeless hang out all day.
Youd be surprised how many homeless are clean cut and super literate.
Nod off for two seconds and security taps your shoulder, whispers Cant sleep here. and scoots away.
By the time you open your eyes they are out of tantrum range.
Nod off, Cant sleep here. Scoot.
Eventually you get it and move on.
Find a discount movie theater. One of those places that plays films a few months past their prime. For a dollar or two matinée you get a semi comfortable chair in a dark room.
Foreign films are best. They have long run times and the language wont keep you awake.
East Indian musicals are about three hours long, and they spend the whole time singing songs you cant help but sleep to.
Buy a city transit ticket. Better yet, find a busy spot and pick up a fresh transfer from the litter bugs.
Take a ride on a circle rout bus. Sleep round and round all day. They only kick you off at night when they are sick of trouble makers. And you dont get ticketed for having an expired transfer like you might on the train.
And you are less likely to have your stuff jacked with the driver in the same compartment.
Trains and cowardly punks go hand in hand.
Stinky Clothes and Caffeine-
Find an old Laundromat with machines that have those slide in slots for quarters. Shove coffee stir sticks in each slot, push the slid and wonder how clean your cloths will get with no soap.
Or add that pube covered sliver of used bar soap the shelter gave you.
You must hold the sticks between each knuckle of one hand, push the slid
and sticks at the same time, having the sticks raised to hit the release at quarter height.
Ride Free on Glue-
If your city transit uses paper tickets (cardboard tickets, not paper transfers) pick up a few discards from the sidewalk. Find ones that are undamaged and strait. Glue the faces together so the date stamp is hidden and only the two backs show.
White glue works best as does not stand out obviously on the edges.
Get on the bus and drop the ticket into the money box. It will always land backside up, hiding the expired date.
Drivers know this trick. Just dont act suspicious. May be trouble in areas with other homeless.
Best used away from inner city, or if you look clean cut.
And if boarding with others on a busy rout. He may know what you are doing but not have time to deal with your crap.
The glued tickets are heavy and fall differently than singles. An alert driver will spot it. But he has to be mad enough to open the box or dig it out with a hook and bust you.
At worst you get kicked off. Wait for the next bus.
If all goes well, wait a few minutes into the ride. When he is distracted by other boarders ask for a transfer. If you did not stand out and make a bad impression he wont remember you didn't pay cash and wonder why you didn't just keep the ticket after showing the time stamp.
Use the valid transfer to ride the train without getting busted by transit cops. Transit cops are irritating because they do ticket, if you have enough built up it may be an arrest. And if you have warrants it sucks to be taken down by a lowly transit guard.
Get Out of Jail Free-
Let all your non criminal tickets for vagrancy/transit violations/public drinking/public urination/whatever add up to an arrest level.
You don't actually get arrested unless it all adds up to thousands. You do get a summons to appear in court on your own.
Wait for a big public event in the city. Like super bowl or something. In my case its the Calgary Stampede Rodeo.
When the holding cells are full to the brim with drunks and rowdies, show up in day court. Tell the judge about all your violations and you have no means or intention of paying for them, you want jail time.
If you are lucky he will kick you loose right there. Especially if he knows you are a hopeless repeat and you dont mind jail. Three hots and a cot, lots of time to kill.
If you do go to jail it will only be a few hours. As soon as it gets dark and the arrests start flowing in, they will cut loose the most minor offenders.
A good way to turn three months into three hours.
Now you have no warrants. Relax on the train back to the shelter.
This also works for criminal offenses. To a lesser degree. The more bad things you did, the longer they will hold you while kicking lesser offenders. If you miss the cut you will be spending lots of miserable days with hung over and crowded rowdies.
If you think you will be staying for awhile, better to do it when business is slow and you can enjoy the hospitality.
A good time to kill off the coldest part of winter.
Looking GOOD in the Shelter-
Ever wonder what it would be like if you were beautiful? Like one of those girls that actually stops traffic?
Wait for the soup line to hit its stride. When half the people are still lined up waiting for their bowl of hot dog water and the other half are complaining about what they got, you roll in with a steaming hot pizza.
All eyes and noses will turn, crowds will part as you float to your table. You will be Brad Pit AND Angelina Jolie at the same time.
No matter how fat and stinky you are, you will be Bradjolina for an hour.
Good for the homeless ego.
WonderBread and ketchup. Thats it.
Toasted if you can afford the electricity. Cost offset by raiding McDonald's condiment pumps.
No bread? Stores like Safeway have free crackers at the bulk soup pots.
Really desperate for ingredients? Hunger activating primal instincts?
Hit the park and wait for seniors to feed the pigeons.
Two quick head bonks nets an urban chicken and stale crust stuffing.
Roast it over a blazing park bench.
Rub on wino for seasoning.
Free Heat-
Save all that junk mail and burn it under your hot water heater.
Get that sucker flaming good. So when you step out of the shower the whole house is nice and toasty.
Water shut off due to delinquent payments?
Just burn those disconnect notices, fire department will handle the rest.
Neighborhood BBQ-
Works best during uncomfortably hot or cold days, must still be BBQ weather.
Ride transit bus rear bumper till you reach suburbs. Stroll aimlessly down back alleys, sniffing out likely targets.
When the cook ducks inside to relax in the heated/air condition house, jump the fence. Pet the dog, grab a steak and stuff a potato down your pants. Pet the dog, hit the road.
Happy Hour-
Stroll the bent bars. Those guys buy prospects drinks just like we do. More so if they know you are strait. New friends and all of that.
You cant fake it. They have the best radar. Just drop in casual, ask for directions or something. Accept the drink from your new friends.
They know lots of jokes you never heard before. And are shockingly good at karaoke. So you get drinks and a show.
And they are usually 100% non-violent. Unlike most testosterone fueled sports bars.
Just know your limits and get out before you black out.
Sleepy Headed Homeless Blues-
I dont know why the Man doesn't like you sleeping in public, but thats the way it is.
Seems you can do almost anything in a park these days. Except catch some shut eye.
The library is out. They have the best anti-homeless security in the world. Because thats where most hidden homeless hang out all day.
Youd be surprised how many homeless are clean cut and super literate.
Nod off for two seconds and security taps your shoulder, whispers Cant sleep here. and scoots away.
By the time you open your eyes they are out of tantrum range.
Nod off, Cant sleep here. Scoot.
Eventually you get it and move on.
Find a discount movie theater. One of those places that plays films a few months past their prime. For a dollar or two matinée you get a semi comfortable chair in a dark room.
Foreign films are best. They have long run times and the language wont keep you awake.
East Indian musicals are about three hours long, and they spend the whole time singing songs you cant help but sleep to.
Buy a city transit ticket. Better yet, find a busy spot and pick up a fresh transfer from the litter bugs.
Take a ride on a circle rout bus. Sleep round and round all day. They only kick you off at night when they are sick of trouble makers. And you dont get ticketed for having an expired transfer like you might on the train.
And you are less likely to have your stuff jacked with the driver in the same compartment.
Trains and cowardly punks go hand in hand.
Stinky Clothes and Caffeine-
Find an old Laundromat with machines that have those slide in slots for quarters. Shove coffee stir sticks in each slot, push the slid and wonder how clean your cloths will get with no soap.
Or add that pube covered sliver of used bar soap the shelter gave you.
You must hold the sticks between each knuckle of one hand, push the slid
and sticks at the same time, having the sticks raised to hit the release at quarter height.
Ride Free on Glue-
If your city transit uses paper tickets (cardboard tickets, not paper transfers) pick up a few discards from the sidewalk. Find ones that are undamaged and strait. Glue the faces together so the date stamp is hidden and only the two backs show.
White glue works best as does not stand out obviously on the edges.
Get on the bus and drop the ticket into the money box. It will always land backside up, hiding the expired date.
Drivers know this trick. Just dont act suspicious. May be trouble in areas with other homeless.
Best used away from inner city, or if you look clean cut.
And if boarding with others on a busy rout. He may know what you are doing but not have time to deal with your crap.
The glued tickets are heavy and fall differently than singles. An alert driver will spot it. But he has to be mad enough to open the box or dig it out with a hook and bust you.
At worst you get kicked off. Wait for the next bus.
If all goes well, wait a few minutes into the ride. When he is distracted by other boarders ask for a transfer. If you did not stand out and make a bad impression he wont remember you didn't pay cash and wonder why you didn't just keep the ticket after showing the time stamp.
Use the valid transfer to ride the train without getting busted by transit cops. Transit cops are irritating because they do ticket, if you have enough built up it may be an arrest. And if you have warrants it sucks to be taken down by a lowly transit guard.
Get Out of Jail Free-
Let all your non criminal tickets for vagrancy/transit violations/public drinking/public urination/whatever add up to an arrest level.
You don't actually get arrested unless it all adds up to thousands. You do get a summons to appear in court on your own.
Wait for a big public event in the city. Like super bowl or something. In my case its the Calgary Stampede Rodeo.
When the holding cells are full to the brim with drunks and rowdies, show up in day court. Tell the judge about all your violations and you have no means or intention of paying for them, you want jail time.
If you are lucky he will kick you loose right there. Especially if he knows you are a hopeless repeat and you dont mind jail. Three hots and a cot, lots of time to kill.
If you do go to jail it will only be a few hours. As soon as it gets dark and the arrests start flowing in, they will cut loose the most minor offenders.
A good way to turn three months into three hours.
Now you have no warrants. Relax on the train back to the shelter.
This also works for criminal offenses. To a lesser degree. The more bad things you did, the longer they will hold you while kicking lesser offenders. If you miss the cut you will be spending lots of miserable days with hung over and crowded rowdies.
If you think you will be staying for awhile, better to do it when business is slow and you can enjoy the hospitality.
A good time to kill off the coldest part of winter.
Looking GOOD in the Shelter-
Ever wonder what it would be like if you were beautiful? Like one of those girls that actually stops traffic?
Wait for the soup line to hit its stride. When half the people are still lined up waiting for their bowl of hot dog water and the other half are complaining about what they got, you roll in with a steaming hot pizza.
All eyes and noses will turn, crowds will part as you float to your table. You will be Brad Pit AND Angelina Jolie at the same time.
No matter how fat and stinky you are, you will be Bradjolina for an hour.
Good for the homeless ego.
Yeah after uni my mum and dad both know i'll be making double what they do! I have to pay the electric bill ......i thought oh just 1 bill to pay oh great. Now i give dad evils every time he makes a cup of tea which is like 30 a day.