I garantee one of these will make you laugh...
Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and be quite.
Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources
You can't be late until you show up.
It isn't homework unless it's due tomorrow
You never learn anything by doing it right.
I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time a woman got pregnant,
someone left town.
An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the president but is always polite to traffic cops.
It's amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're going away.
Love is staying up all night with a sick child, or a healthy adult.
If practice makes perfect & nobody's perfect, why practice?
Why do our noses run and our feet smell?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
If God didn't want us to eat people, why did he make them out of MEAT?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Why is the person who invests all your money called a broker??
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
Why do we wash BATH TOWELS; aren't we clean when we use them?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
Don't drink and park - accidents cause people
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-*****.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures." -George W. Bush
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
Murderer? Well, that's a harsh word. I prefer to think of myself as a Mortality Technician.
If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."
Christ is so cool. He's born, I get presents. He dies, I get candy.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
What the hell do you mean, my birth certificate expired?
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
Out Of My Mind; Back In Five Minutes
I used to wonder what was so holy about a silent night, now I have a child.
If you're anything like me... and I know I am...
told my wife she should treat me like a fine wine..... --- She locked me in a dark cellar....
It's only a game until you lose
Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
If God intended men to smoke, He would have set him on fire.
A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon. Avoid him. He's a Commie.
Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary confinement.
If I said you have a great body, would you hold it against me?
If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.
note to self: make sure cat is not sleeping in the bass drum before you start playing it
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
When I hear somebody sigh "Life is hard" I'm always tempted to ask "Compared to what?"
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
Don't drink and park - accidents cause people
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-*****.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures." -George W. Bush
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
Murderer? Well, that's a harsh word. I prefer to think of myself as a Mortality Technician.
If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."
Christ is so cool. He's born, I get presents. He dies, I get candy.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
What the hell do you mean, my birth certificate expired?
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
Out Of My Mind; Back In Five Minutes
I used to wonder what was so holy about a silent night, now I have a child.
If you're anything like me... and I know I am...
told my wife she should treat me like a fine wine..... --- She locked me in a dark cellar....
It's only a game until you lose
Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
If God intended men to smoke, He would have set him on fire.
A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon. Avoid him. He's a Commie.
Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary confinement.
If I said you have a great body, would you hold it against me?
If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.
note to self: make sure cat is not sleeping in the bass drum before you start playing it
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
When I hear somebody sigh "Life is hard" I'm always tempted to ask "Compared to what?"
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
I almost stopped breathing when I read these!
Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and be quite.
Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources
You can't be late until you show up.
It isn't homework unless it's due tomorrow
You never learn anything by doing it right.
I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time a woman got pregnant,
someone left town.
An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the president but is always polite to traffic cops.
It's amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're going away.
Love is staying up all night with a sick child, or a healthy adult.
If practice makes perfect & nobody's perfect, why practice?
Why do our noses run and our feet smell?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
If God didn't want us to eat people, why did he make them out of MEAT?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Why is the person who invests all your money called a broker??
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
Why do we wash BATH TOWELS; aren't we clean when we use them?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
Don't drink and park - accidents cause people
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-*****.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures." -George W. Bush
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
Murderer? Well, that's a harsh word. I prefer to think of myself as a Mortality Technician.
If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."
Christ is so cool. He's born, I get presents. He dies, I get candy.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
What the hell do you mean, my birth certificate expired?
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
Out Of My Mind; Back In Five Minutes
I used to wonder what was so holy about a silent night, now I have a child.
If you're anything like me... and I know I am...
told my wife she should treat me like a fine wine..... --- She locked me in a dark cellar....
It's only a game until you lose
Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
If God intended men to smoke, He would have set him on fire.
A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon. Avoid him. He's a Commie.
Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary confinement.
If I said you have a great body, would you hold it against me?
note to self: make sure cat is not sleeping in the bass drum before you start playing it
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
When I hear somebody sigh "Life is hard" I'm always tempted to ask "Compared to what?"
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
Don't drink and park - accidents cause people
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-*****.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures." -George W. Bush
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
Murderer? Well, that's a harsh word. I prefer to think of myself as a Mortality Technician.
If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."
Christ is so cool. He's born, I get presents. He dies, I get candy.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
What the hell do you mean, my birth certificate expired?
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
Out Of My Mind; Back In Five Minutes
I used to wonder what was so holy about a silent night, now I have a child.
If you're anything like me... and I know I am...
told my wife she should treat me like a fine wine..... --- She locked me in a dark cellar....
It's only a game until you lose
Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
If God intended men to smoke, He would have set him on fire.
A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon. Avoid him. He's a Commie.
Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary confinement.
If I said you have a great body, would you hold it against me?
note to self: make sure cat is not sleeping in the bass drum before you start playing it
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
When I hear somebody sigh "Life is hard" I'm always tempted to ask "Compared to what?"
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
I almost stopped breathing when I read these!
