Well guys.. im off to college. Personal statement anyone?

[bushie12]

Hey guys. Im getting ready to send out a letter for EIU. I was wondering if someone could tell me how my personal statement is coming along? I am not done yet, it still needs work but just as a progress report kinda? Im not too sure if im supposed to be posting this here but its worth a shot. If there are any teachers online help me out?


Being accepted into EIU will be my next step to growing into the successful person I want to be. I realized later in my high school career the importance of higher learning. I am more than willing to work hard, and to prove I am intelligent, and teachable.

My desire is to receive a Bachelors degree in the science area. And from there I would like to receive a Masters in physical therapy. I now have a passion for education, more than I have ever had before. So far I have balanced my senior year with many difficulties. Such as playing varsity football, and dealing with a very severe knee disorder that I have. It’s called chronic knee dislocation disorder, and causes my knee caps to dislocate; along with ligament and tendon tears. I have a love for football and continued to play varsity ball after three violent knee dislocations, ligament and meniscus tears, and a knee surgery. I was sidelined in both my junior and senior year for large portions of the season. However I did what it took to return and finish both seasons strong. This required lots of physical therapy and dedication. Due to my knee surgery I missed many days of school and am still pushing to raise my GPA. I can assure you my GPA does not represent the hard work I put in my junior and senior year of high school. I am a perfectionist, and I refuse to turn in anything less than perfect. I take pride in my strong leadership qualities. I have an overcoming attitude that cannot be matched. This has been proven time and time again through my actions. The qualities that have been instilled in me, along with my desire for a higher education will insure my success at Eastern Illinois University.

My maturity level has always been higher than my other peers. I am willing to work hard to prove I am an intelligent, capable, and a teachable young man. I am a hard worker. And I am not easily discouraged.

 

[CLDarnell]

*turns ball cap around backwards*

Being accepted into EIU will be my next step to grow into the successful person I want to be. I realized the importance of higher learning later in my educational career. I am more than willing to work hard and demonstrate my intelligence and ability to learn.

My desire is to receive a Bachelor's Degree in the field of Science. From there, my goal is to achieve a Master's Degree in Physical Therapy. Currently, my interests are focused on Education. I have been able to balance my Senior year without much difficulty. I have a love for football and continued to play varsity ball after three violent knee dislocations, ligament and meniscus tears, and a knee surgery. I was sidelined in both my Junior and Senior years for large portions of the season. However I did what it took to return and finished both seasons strong. This required lots of physical therapy and dedication. Due to my knee surgery I missed many days of school and am still pushing to raise my GPA. I can assure you my GPA does not represent the hard work I put in my Junior and Senior years of high school. I am a perfectionist, and I refuse to turn in anything less than perfect. I take pride in my strong leadership qualities. I have an overcoming attitude that cannot be matched. The qualities that have been instilled in me, along with my desire for a higher education will insure my success at Eastern Illinois University.

I am not easily discouraged. I will work hard.

------

OK, first off, forgive me. Its always easier to improve on something that someone else has done that it is to create it in the first place. My suggested editing is just that...suggestions. I will be honest, at first, I thought "oh no, this isn't going to work". But then I noticed your passion started coming out when you wrote of what you have been through on your recoveries and determinations to continue to succeed. If you notice, there isn't much red during that part lol

Writing is a form of art. Sure, anyone can type text and most of the time manage to use enough words to make their point. But, like a painter, a sculptor or a musician, the best writing comes from the heart...and even better when the artist is passionate about their work. I could tell you were pretty passionate during this part. I believe you in that you had to work very hard during those times. The very first part and the very last parts though...well, not so much. It seemed like you were "trying to convince" versus making your statement.

My best suggestion is to blow away the whole statement as written. Take a deep breathe and focus on those feelings you had when you were pouring yourself into your recoveries. Using that passion, write a whole new statement. THAT is what will get their attention.

If you find yourself looking for words to type...stop. You're trying to guess what they want to read. I promise you, write what you feel and it will come pouring out.

Most of all, good luck to you...

*turns cap back around to the front*

Now, where did I put those test strips?

 

[bushie12]

lol thank you so much! im going to retry this over the weekend. your right it is kinda dull..

 

[Chaitika]

Editing and proofing are so subjective. I wasn't sure if you have been accepted at EIU or if this is meant to help you get accepted. I'm guessing this will get turned in though?

I changed some sentence structures, took out some of the repetitive stuff and changed some of the words to move you away from sounding just a bit too cocky to sounding hopefully more like an aspiring student who has maturity, good character and a willingness to make the commitment required to be a successful student at their school. Basically this is how I might say in my words what I think you're trying to say.



My next step in growing into the successful person I want to be is being accepted into Eastern Illinois University. The importance of higher learning became evident to me in my later high school years. I am looking forward to working hard and improving my capacity to learn.

My goal is to receive a Bachelors degree with a major in one of the sciences and eventually a Master's Degree in physical therapy. So far I have balanced my senior year with many challenges, such as playing varsity football with chronic knee dislocation disorder and ligament and tendon tears. I have a love for football. I was sidelined in both my junior and senior years for large portions of the seasons. However, it was very important to me to return and finish both seasons strong. A commitment to long bouts of physical therapy and the discipline required were critical in my recovery.

Due to my knee surgery I missed many days of school. I am still working hard to raise my GPA. While my GPA may not represent the hard work I put into my junior and senior years of high school, rest assured I am a perfectionist, and I refuse to turn in anything less than perfect.

I take pride in my strong leadership qualities. I have an overcoming attitude that cannot be matched. This has been proven time and time again through my actions. The qualities that have been instilled in me, along with my desire for a higher education will ensure my success at EIU.

My maturity level has always been higher than many of my peers. I am willing to work hard to prove I can maintain high marks, while being an active student on campus. I am a hard worker, and I am not easily discouraged.

 

[bushie12]

Editing and proofing are so subjective. I wasn't sure if you have been accepted at EIU or if this is meant to help you get accepted. I'm guessing this will get turned in though?

I changed some sentence structures, took out some of the repetitive stuff and changed some of the words to move you away from sounding just a bit too cocky to sounding hopefully more like an aspiring student who has maturity, good character and a willingness to make the commitment required to be a successful student at their school. Basically this is how I might say in my words what I think you're trying to say.



My next step in growing into the successful person I want to be is being accepted into Eastern Illinois University. The importance of higher learning became evident to me in my later high school years. I am looking forward to working hard and improving my capacity to learn.

My goal is to receive a Bachelors degree with a major in one of the sciences and eventually a Master's Degree in physical therapy. So far I have balanced my senior year with many challenges, such as playing varsity football with chronic knee dislocation disorder and ligament and tendon tears. I have a love for football. I was sidelined in both my junior and senior years for large portions of the seasons. However, it was very important to me to return and finish both seasons strong. A commitment to long bouts of physical therapy and the discipline required were critical in my recovery.

Due to my knee surgery I missed many days of school. I am still working hard to raise my GPA. While my GPA may not represent the hard work I put into my junior and senior years of high school, rest assured I am a perfectionist, and I refuse to turn in anything less than perfect.

I take pride in my strong leadership qualities. I have an overcoming attitude that cannot be matched. This has been proven time and time again through my actions. The qualities that have been instilled in me, along with my desire for a higher education will ensure my success at EIU.

My maturity level has always been higher than many of my peers. I am willing to work hard to prove I can maintain high marks, while being an active student on campus. I am a hard worker, and I am not easily discouraged.

WOW! thanks! that puts a little twist on it but that correction is also perfect.

 

[Neervana]

bottom line is do your grades match their requirements?! cos thats all they care about over here tbh!