Some of the Best One-Liners
- Thread starter SumoNinja
- Start date
No original ones, but:
Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-*****.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-*****.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
You can fool a fool, but you can't fool a fooler.
About the time we can make the ends meet, somebody moves the ends. Herbert Hoover
All men are equal before fish.
Herbert Hoover
All men are equal before fish.
Herbert Hoover
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
Lana Turner
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Fred Allen
Fred Allen
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. Fields
A fool flatters himself, a wise man flatters the fool.
Robert Bulwer-Lytton
Robert Bulwer-Lytton
i saw in a magazine once an article that said " the psycic friends network filled bankruptcy due to unforeseen financial problems".
"im an idea man...heres one....feed mayonaise to the tuna"
"im an idea man...heres one....feed mayonaise to the tuna"
A hit dog always hollers.
Life is not having what you want, its wanting what you have.
A man should look for what is, and not for what he thinks should be.
Albert Einstein
Life is not having what you want, its wanting what you have.
A man should look for what is, and not for what he thinks should be.
Albert Einstein
A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy?
Albert Einstein
Albert Einstein
Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.
Albert Einstein
Albert Einstein
Do not pray for easy lives. Pray to be stronger men.
John F. Kennedy
John F. Kennedy
Even death is not to be feared by one who has lived wisely.
Buddha
Buddha
Make the lie big, make it simple, keep saying it, and eventually they will believe it.
Adolf Hitler
Adolf Hitler
Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement.
Ronald Reagan
Ronald Reagan
i believe its men who go to bed with itchy hiney wake up with smelly finger tipsdmopar74;5030232; said:
Man standing on toilet is high on pot.
* Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
* Man who run in front of car get tired.
* Man who run behind car get exhausted.
* Man that is stuck in pantry has his ass in jam.
* Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
* Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
* Man who sit on tack get point!
* Man who jumps off cliff, jumps to conclusion!
* Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.
* Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
* Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.
* Passionate kiss like spiders web - soon lead to undoing of fly.
* Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.
* Secretary not permanent fixture until screwed on top of desk
* Baseball is wrong - man with four balls cannot walk.
* War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.
* It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.
not original but funny
* Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
* Man who run in front of car get tired.
* Man who run behind car get exhausted.
* Man that is stuck in pantry has his ass in jam.
* Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
* Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
* Man who sit on tack get point!
* Man who jumps off cliff, jumps to conclusion!
* Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.
* Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
* Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.
* Passionate kiss like spiders web - soon lead to undoing of fly.
* Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.
* Secretary not permanent fixture until screwed on top of desk
* Baseball is wrong - man with four balls cannot walk.
* War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.
* It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.
not original but funny
