:j/k::j/k::j/k::j/k::j/k:Read all the way through.....you will see the joke is on us!!
Britain is Repossessing the
USA
In light of your failure to
nominate competent candidates for President of the USA (APART FROM OBAMA!!!) and thus
to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty
Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states,
commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not
fancy).
Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will
appoint a governor for America without the need for further
elections.
Congress and the Senate will be
disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to
determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition
to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced
with immediate effect:
You should look up 'revocation'
in the Oxford English Dictionary.
1. Then look up
aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour'
and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without
skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the
suffix -ise.
Generally, you will be expected to raise
your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up
'vocabulary').
3. Using the same twenty-seven words
interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is
an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
There
is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to
take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.
You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The
Queen.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a
holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without
using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so
many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be
independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults. If
you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or
speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to
handle a gun.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to
own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler.
A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable
peeler in public.
7. All American cars are hereby banned.
They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show
you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
8. All intersections will be
replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the
left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with
immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both
roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense
of humour.
9. The Former USA will adopt
UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling
gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to
it.
10. You will learn to make real chips.
Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and
those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly
called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat,
and dressed not with catsup (Variant of ketchup) but with vinegar.
11.
The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance
will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as
they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it
can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British
Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be
referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold
without risk of further confusion.
12. Hollywood
will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt
English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin
to having one's ears removed with a cheese
grater.
13. You will cease playing American
football. There is only one kind of proper football; you
call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be
allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football,
but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you,
like they regularly thrash us.
14. Further, you
will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host
an event called the World Series for a game which is not played
outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that
there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South
Africans first to take the sting out of their
deliveries.
15. You must tell us who killed
JFK. It's been driving us mad.
16. An internal
revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government
will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due
(backdated to 1776).
17. Daily Tea Time
begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality
biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in
season.
God save the
Queen.. Hope you like this!!!!
Britain is Repossessing the
USA
In light of your failure to
nominate competent candidates for President of the USA (APART FROM OBAMA!!!) and thus
to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty
Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states,
commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not
fancy).
Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will
appoint a governor for America without the need for further
elections.
Congress and the Senate will be
disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to
determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition
to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced
with immediate effect:
You should look up 'revocation'
in the Oxford English Dictionary.
1. Then look up
aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour'
and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without
skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the
suffix -ise.
Generally, you will be expected to raise
your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up
'vocabulary').
3. Using the same twenty-seven words
interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is
an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
There
is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to
take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.
You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The
Queen.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a
holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without
using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so
many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be
independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults. If
you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or
speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to
handle a gun.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to
own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler.
A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable
peeler in public.
7. All American cars are hereby banned.
They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show
you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
8. All intersections will be
replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the
left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with
immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both
roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense
of humour.
9. The Former USA will adopt
UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling
gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to
it.
10. You will learn to make real chips.
Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and
those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly
called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat,
and dressed not with catsup (Variant of ketchup) but with vinegar.
11.
The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance
will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as
they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it
can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British
Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be
referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold
without risk of further confusion.
12. Hollywood
will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt
English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin
to having one's ears removed with a cheese
grater.
13. You will cease playing American
football. There is only one kind of proper football; you
call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be
allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football,
but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you,
like they regularly thrash us.
14. Further, you
will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host
an event called the World Series for a game which is not played
outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that
there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South
Africans first to take the sting out of their
deliveries.
15. You must tell us who killed
JFK. It's been driving us mad.
16. An internal
revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government
will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due
(backdated to 1776).
17. Daily Tea Time
begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality
biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in
season.
God save the
Queen.. Hope you like this!!!!
(And many Americans will tell you that the primary language used in Canada is French 
)
.