I got these in a forwarded email:
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Contractors. ...
Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence.
One from the Philippines , another from Mexico and an American.
They go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The American contractor takes out a tape measure and does
some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. 'Well,'
he says. 'I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials,
$400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.'
The Mexican contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then
says, 'I can do $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew
and $100 profit for me.'
The Filipino contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over
to the White House official and whispers: '$2,700.'
The official, incredulous, says, 'What? You didn't even measure
like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure? How
do you expect me to consider your service with that bid??
'Easy,' the Pinoy explains, '$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and
we hire the guy from Mexico '.
The next day, the Pinoy and the Mexican are working on the Fence.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Eto pa...
Q. What's the difference between corruption in the US
and corruption in the Philippines ?
A. In the U.S. they go to jail. In the Philippines , they go to the U.S.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Q. What`s the difference among Philippine Presidents Cory,
Gloria and Erap?
A. Cory can`t tell a lie
Gloria can`t tell the truth
Erap can`t tell the difference
************ **
REPORTER: Sir, kung wala po kayong evidence,
witness or suspect ano na po ang next step ninyo??
Police: DNA na...
REPORTER: sir, ano po yung DNA ???
Police: 'Di Namin Alam '
************ ********* *********
'Naglalakad ang mag-ama, nakakita ng eroplano
ANAK: Tay ! Krus! Ang laking krus!
TATAY(Binatukan ang anak): Nakita mo ng krus eh! Lumuhod tayo!'
************ ********* ********* bobo1: Pare, alam mo ba tawag sa paniki na mababa ang lipad?
bobo2: hindi eh! ano ba pare?
bobo1: Lowbat pare! Lowbat!
************ ********* *********
ANG NAKARAAN....
May ibinulong ang daga sa elepante. Biglang hinimatay ang elepante. Ano ang ibinulong ng daga?
DAGA: Buntis ako, ikaw ang ama!
SA PAGPAPATULOY. ...
Dahil di makapaniwala ang elepante, dinala nya ang daga sa doctor. Tuwang-tuwa ang elepante at masayang ibinulong
sa daga ang result
ELEPANTE: Ako nga ang ama, at elepante ang anak natin, at kambal sila!
************ ********* *********
TEACHER: Anong similarity nina Jose Rizal, Andres Bonifacio, Ninoy Aquino at Apolinario Mabini?
STUDENT: Ma'am, pagkaka-alam ko po, silang lahat ay pinanganak ng holiday!
************ ********* *********
PROMDI: Lam ko promdi lang ako kaya wag mo kong lolokohin! Bakit ganito ang kwarto ko? Maliit, walang kama at bintana, ha?
ROOMBOY: Sir, nasa elevator pa lang po tayo...
************ ********* *********
Jun-Jun: Inay! Ako lang ang nakasagot sa tanong ng titser namin anina!
Inay: Very good! Ano ba ang tanong ng titser ninyo?
Jun-Jun: 'Sino ang walang assignment?'
************ ********* *********
Thelma: Sabi mo, dok, safe ang calendar method. Eh, bakit ako nabuntis?
Dok: Paano nyo ba ginamit ang kalendaryo?
Thelma: Ginawa naming banig.
******************************
Boss asks sexy secretary to a dinner after overtime: Â Are you free tonight?
The sexy secretary replies: Sir, ha... huwag naman, FREE... Bibigyan na lang kita ng discount!
********************* *********
Eliseo: Sobra na talaga ang katangahan ng kumare mo.
Ang akala niya, ang LAWSUIT ay uniporme ng pulis!
Joshua: Sus! Tanga nga! Eh di ba, uniporme ng abugado yun?