U GOT JOKES?
- Thread starter tankyou
- Start date
theres this man who lives in a beach house and every morning he goes out for a jog along the beach.
One morning as he heads out on his jog, he notices a woman with no arms and no legs sitting on a rock near the water crying...
he jogs over to her and asks "whats wrong? why are you crying?"
she replies... "I just realized, i've never been hugged before..."
so the man looks around... and bends over and gives her a hug...
she stopped crying!
next day the man goes out for his jog and notices the same woman with no arms and no legs sitting on the rock crying...
he jogs over to her and asks "whats wrong? why are you crying?"
she replies... "i just realized, i've never been kissed before..."
he looks around, bends over and gives her a kiss...
third day, the man goes out for his jog... Oh damn! The woman with no arms and no legs is on the rock crying again...
he jogs over and asks... "whats wrong? why are you crying?"
she replies... "i just realized, i've never been ****** before..."
he looks around...
...picks her up and throws her in the water... NOW YOU'RE *******!!!!
One morning as he heads out on his jog, he notices a woman with no arms and no legs sitting on a rock near the water crying...
he jogs over to her and asks "whats wrong? why are you crying?"
she replies... "I just realized, i've never been hugged before..."
so the man looks around... and bends over and gives her a hug...
she stopped crying!
next day the man goes out for his jog and notices the same woman with no arms and no legs sitting on the rock crying...
he jogs over to her and asks "whats wrong? why are you crying?"
she replies... "i just realized, i've never been kissed before..."
he looks around, bends over and gives her a kiss...
third day, the man goes out for his jog... Oh damn! The woman with no arms and no legs is on the rock crying again...
he jogs over and asks... "whats wrong? why are you crying?"
she replies... "i just realized, i've never been ****** before..."
he looks around...
...picks her up and throws her in the water... NOW YOU'RE *******!!!!
A son asks his dad the difference between theoretically & realistically" Dad says that's hard, but i have an idea, ask your mum if she would sleep with the milkman for 1millon pound. Mum says yes. Dad says ask your sister if she would sleep with the coal man for 2millon pound, Sister says yes. Well there you go son, that's your answer, theoretically we're sitting on 3millon pound, but realistically we're living with 2 slappers.
A man takes his seat at the World Cup Final. He looks to his left and
notices that the there is a spare seat in between himself and the next guy.
"Who would ever miss the World Cup final?" Asks the man.
"That was my wife's seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals
together, but sadly she passed away." Explains the guy.
"That's terrible, but couldn't you get another member of the family, friend
or someone else to come with you?" Asks the man.
"No.....They are all at the funeral!
notices that the there is a spare seat in between himself and the next guy.
"Who would ever miss the World Cup final?" Asks the man.
"That was my wife's seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals
together, but sadly she passed away." Explains the guy.
"That's terrible, but couldn't you get another member of the family, friend
or someone else to come with you?" Asks the man.
"No.....They are all at the funeral!
Ed was in trouble.
He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds
AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"
The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife
woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift - wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife
put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the
house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Ed has been missing since Friday.
He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds
AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"
The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife
woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift - wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife
put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the
house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Ed has been missing since Friday.
3 guys were driving wen they fell off a cliff and found themselves in hell. Satan introduces himself and asks them what their sins were. The first guy says "I cheated on my wife", so the devil opens a door and a room full of beautiful women as far as the eye can see and says "ok 1000 years until you get out" and the guy runs in. He goes to the 2nd guy and asks him the same question. "I was an alcoholic" he replies, so the devil opens the door to a room with liqour as far as the eye can see, and says "1000 years and you're done". The devil goes to the 3rd guy and says "what was your sin?", and he said "I smoked pot". So the devil opens a door to a room full of the highest grade cannabis as far as the eye can see, and he runs in and the devil closes the door for 1000 years. 1000 years later, the devil opens the first door and the guy runs out screaming "I'm ghey!". The devil thought he served his punishment and returned him to earth. He then opens the 2nd door and the guy crawls out covered in puke and smelling like crap, "I will never touch a drop again" he mumbles. The devil thought he served his punishment and returned him to earth. He opens the 3rd and last door, and was suprised to find the guy just sitting there, will all the weed intact. The guy turns around with a tear rolling down his cheek and says "you got a lighter?"....
JuanTamad;971615; said:Ed was in trouble.
He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds
AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"
The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife
woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift - wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife
put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the
house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Ed has been missing since Friday.
Hahahahahhahahaha
these aren't really nice, but they sure are fun.
Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat
Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. A different bar
Q. What did the Chinese couple name their retarded baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong
Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment
Q. What does it mean when the Post Office's flag is flying at
half-mast?
A. They're hiring
Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.
Q. What do you call a Mississippi farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A. A pimp.
Q. Why do Driver Education classes in redneck schools use the car only
on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of
the cage along with a recipe.
Q. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the "F" word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO!"
Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
fairytale???
A. A northern fairytale begins, "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this sheeeeet."
Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in
the United States .
Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat
Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. A different bar
Q. What did the Chinese couple name their retarded baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong
Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment
Q. What does it mean when the Post Office's flag is flying at
half-mast?
A. They're hiring
Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.
Q. What do you call a Mississippi farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A. A pimp.
Q. Why do Driver Education classes in redneck schools use the car only
on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of
the cage along with a recipe.
Q. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the "F" word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO!"
Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
fairytale???
A. A northern fairytale begins, "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this sheeeeet."
Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in
the United States .
