U GOT JOKES?
- Thread starter tankyou
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derrickcomedy.com
HILARIOUS, especially the "Daughters" sketch, if you like 24
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause were going down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We dont use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out,you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat ***** in the kitchen."
A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to write with it.
Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well thats great, just great... some @$$hole's got my pen."
HILARIOUS, especially the "Daughters" sketch, if you like 24
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause were going down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We dont use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out,you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat ***** in the kitchen."
A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to write with it.
Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well thats great, just great... some @$$hole's got my pen."
A middle aged man, about 5 foot 8 inches tall, walks into a Walmart and asks where the pharmacy counter is. He is directed to it.
When he reaches it, he asks to see the pharmacist.
The pharmacist comes and the man, looking around furtively, asks quietly, "Do you sell Viagra here?"
The pharmacist answers firmly, "Yes, sir. We certainly do."
The man then asks, "Do you think I could get it over the counter?"
The pharmacist thinks for a moment and then says, "Perhaps, if you took five or six pills at once you might."
Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.
Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust.
Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of singles and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.
The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers.
Frank is outraged by his friends act of generosity.
"What on earth did you do that for?" shouts Frank., "You know hes only going to use it on drugs or booze."
Matt replies, "And we werent?"
this one's a ]V[onster joke!
Three students, a student from Tennessee, a student from Alabama, and a student from Auburn are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I will give you each one wish, thats three wishes total," says the Genie.
The Tennessee student says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Tennessee."
With a blink of the Genies eye, "FOOM," the land in Tennessee was forever made fertile for farming.
The Auburn student was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around the University of Auburn, so that nobody from out of state can come into our precious school."
Again, with the blink of the Genies eye,"POOF," there was a huge wall around Auburn.
The Alabama student says, "Im very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it is about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and completely surrounds the University of Auburn. Nothing can get in or out."
The Alabama student says, "Fill it with water."
When he reaches it, he asks to see the pharmacist.
The pharmacist comes and the man, looking around furtively, asks quietly, "Do you sell Viagra here?"
The pharmacist answers firmly, "Yes, sir. We certainly do."
The man then asks, "Do you think I could get it over the counter?"
The pharmacist thinks for a moment and then says, "Perhaps, if you took five or six pills at once you might."
Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.
Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust.
Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of singles and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.
The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers.
Frank is outraged by his friends act of generosity.
"What on earth did you do that for?" shouts Frank., "You know hes only going to use it on drugs or booze."
Matt replies, "And we werent?"
this one's a ]V[onster joke!
Three students, a student from Tennessee, a student from Alabama, and a student from Auburn are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I will give you each one wish, thats three wishes total," says the Genie.
The Tennessee student says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Tennessee."
With a blink of the Genies eye, "FOOM," the land in Tennessee was forever made fertile for farming.
The Auburn student was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around the University of Auburn, so that nobody from out of state can come into our precious school."
Again, with the blink of the Genies eye,"POOF," there was a huge wall around Auburn.
The Alabama student says, "Im very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it is about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and completely surrounds the University of Auburn. Nothing can get in or out."
The Alabama student says, "Fill it with water."
2 blonds walked into a building,
You'd think one of them would have seen it.
A blonde and a brunette were driving along in the middle of the desert,
As they were driving they saw a blonde in a row boat rowing in the sand,
The brunette turns to the blonde and says "look at that dumb b***h,
The Blonde says "If I could swim I'd go over there and give her a piece of my mind".
You'd think one of them would have seen it.
A blonde and a brunette were driving along in the middle of the desert,
As they were driving they saw a blonde in a row boat rowing in the sand,
The brunette turns to the blonde and says "look at that dumb b***h,
The Blonde says "If I could swim I'd go over there and give her a piece of my mind".
