U GOT JOKES?
- Thread starter tankyou
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There were three football fans on their way to a match, when they see an accident on the side of the road so they pull over! They go to help the victim, but they realize she is naked, so they take off their hats. The first guy was a Steelers fan, and put his hat over her left breast. The second guy was a Broncos fan, and put it over her right breast!! The last guy was a Raiders fan, and put his hat over her crotch.
When the police arrived, the officer looks at the girl and goes to evaluate. He first picks up the Steelers hat, puts it back down and writes something down. He does the same with the Broncos hat. Then he picks up the Raider hat and puts it down then picks it up again. He does this several times until the Raider fan says, "What are you? Some kind of pervert?"
The officer replies, "No, I just usually find an ___hole under one of these hats."
When the police arrived, the officer looks at the girl and goes to evaluate. He first picks up the Steelers hat, puts it back down and writes something down. He does the same with the Broncos hat. Then he picks up the Raider hat and puts it down then picks it up again. He does this several times until the Raider fan says, "What are you? Some kind of pervert?"
The officer replies, "No, I just usually find an ___hole under one of these hats."
Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine.
Suddenly, she burst out laughing.
"Listen to this," she said.
"There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."
"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.
Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"
"Absolutely not," he said.
"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."
"Season's more than half over," he said.
Suddenly, she burst out laughing.
"Listen to this," she said.
"There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."
"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.
Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"
"Absolutely not," he said.
"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."
"Season's more than half over," he said.
After a long night of making love the young guy rolled over, was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on a desk in the distance.
Naturally, the guy began to worry.
'Is this your husband?' he inquired nervously.
'No, silly,' she replied, snuggling up to him.
'Your boyfriend then?' he asked.
'No, not at all,' she said, nibbling away at his ear.
'Well, who is he then?' demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, 'That's me before the operation.'
Naturally, the guy began to worry.
'Is this your husband?' he inquired nervously.
'No, silly,' she replied, snuggling up to him.
'Your boyfriend then?' he asked.
'No, not at all,' she said, nibbling away at his ear.
'Well, who is he then?' demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, 'That's me before the operation.'
The knob
A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her
about a new procedure called "The Knob," where
a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's
head and could be turned to tighten up her skin
and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift.
Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened
the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the
woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the
surgeon with two problems. "All these years,
everything has been working just fine. I've had
to turn the knob many times and I've always loved
the results. But now I've developed two annoying
problems: First, I have these terrible bags under
my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those
aren't bags, those are your breasts."
She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking
about the goatee
A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her
about a new procedure called "The Knob," where
a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's
head and could be turned to tighten up her skin
and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift.
Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened
the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the
woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the
surgeon with two problems. "All these years,
everything has been working just fine. I've had
to turn the knob many times and I've always loved
the results. But now I've developed two annoying
problems: First, I have these terrible bags under
my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those
aren't bags, those are your breasts."
She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking
about the goatee
>>A blind man wanders into a lesbian biker bar by mistake. He finds
>>his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there
>>for a
>>while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde
>>joke?"
>>
>> The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.
>>
>>In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before
>>you tell that joke, mate, I think it is only fair - given that
>>you are
>>blind - that you should know five things:
>>
>> 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
>> 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
>> 3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black
>>belt in karate.
>> 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional
>>weightlifter.
>> 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
>>
>> Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still wanna tell
>>that joke?
>>
>>
>>"The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
>>"Nah... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
>>his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there
>>for a
>>while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde
>>joke?"
>>
>> The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.
>>
>>In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before
>>you tell that joke, mate, I think it is only fair - given that
>>you are
>>blind - that you should know five things:
>>
>> 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
>> 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
>> 3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black
>>belt in karate.
>> 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional
>>weightlifter.
>> 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
>>
>> Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still wanna tell
>>that joke?
>>
>>
>>"The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
>>"Nah... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
I pulled an older woman at a club last night.
>
>She was a right sort for 57, we drank a bit, had a bit of a snog & she
>asked if I'd ever had the sportsman's double, a mother and daughter 3
>some?
>
>I said 'no i haven't as it happens'..........
>
>So we drank a bit more and then she says to me that 'tonight was my
>lucky night then'.
>
>I finished my drink quickly and went back to her house.......she put the
>hall light on and shouted upstairs.
>
>
>
>..'mum....you awake?'
>
>She was a right sort for 57, we drank a bit, had a bit of a snog & she
>asked if I'd ever had the sportsman's double, a mother and daughter 3
>some?
>
>I said 'no i haven't as it happens'..........
>
>So we drank a bit more and then she says to me that 'tonight was my
>lucky night then'.
>
>I finished my drink quickly and went back to her house.......she put the
>hall light on and shouted upstairs.
>
>
>
>..'mum....you awake?'
The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, while visiting a primary school class, found themselves in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy". So the illustrious Rev Jackson asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."
No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy ."
I'm afraid not," explains the exalted Reverend Al. "That's what we would call a great loss." The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Reverend Al searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises his hand. In a stern voice he says: "If a plane carrying the Reverends Jackson and Sharpton were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."
Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson and Sharpton, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
Well," says little Johnny, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either.
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."
No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy ."
I'm afraid not," explains the exalted Reverend Al. "That's what we would call a great loss." The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Reverend Al searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises his hand. In a stern voice he says: "If a plane carrying the Reverends Jackson and Sharpton were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."
Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson and Sharpton, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
Well," says little Johnny, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either.
