Deep down you know its true....
- Thread starter JD7.62
- Start date
Q. What do you call a man with half a brain?
A. Gifted.
Q. What's the difference between government bonds and men?
A. Bonds Mature.
Q. What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
A. One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.
A. What did God say after creating man?
Q. I can do better.
Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?
Q. Why do men want to marry virgins?
A. They can't stand criticism.
I went to the County Fair. They had one of those "Believe it or
not?" Shows. They had a man born with a penis and a brain.
Q. What do you have whan you have two little balls in your hand?
A. A man's undivided attention.
What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind.
2. No business.
Q. Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover?
A. He knows first-hand the penalty for early withdrawal.
Q. What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A. A tourist.
Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person
who makes all their decisions.
Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive,
caring, and good-looking?
A. Because they already have boyfriends.
Q. Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the
Olympics?
A. He had it bronzed.
Q. Why do men like masturbation?
A. Its sex with someone they love.
Q. What is gross stupidity?
A. 144 men in one room.
A. What's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette?
Q. The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
Q. How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
A. Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake
the stove.
Q. What is a man's view of safe sex?
A. A padded headboard.
Q. How do men sort their laundry?
A. "Fifthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".
Q. Why did God create man?
A. Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
Q. Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A. So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
Two guys were strolling down the street when one guy exclaimed,
"how sad - a dead bird."
The other man looked up and said, "where?"
I lied, I wasn't too lazy.
If any of these are a bit too unfamiliyified, please delete.
A. Gifted.
Q. What's the difference between government bonds and men?
A. Bonds Mature.
Q. What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
A. One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.
A. What did God say after creating man?
Q. I can do better.
Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?
Q. Why do men want to marry virgins?
A. They can't stand criticism.
I went to the County Fair. They had one of those "Believe it or
not?" Shows. They had a man born with a penis and a brain.
Q. What do you have whan you have two little balls in your hand?
A. A man's undivided attention.
What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind.
2. No business.
Q. Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover?
A. He knows first-hand the penalty for early withdrawal.
Q. What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A. A tourist.
Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person
who makes all their decisions.
Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive,
caring, and good-looking?
A. Because they already have boyfriends.
Q. Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the
Olympics?
A. He had it bronzed.
Q. Why do men like masturbation?
A. Its sex with someone they love.
Q. What is gross stupidity?
A. 144 men in one room.
A. What's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette?
Q. The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
Q. How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
A. Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake
the stove.
Q. What is a man's view of safe sex?
A. A padded headboard.
Q. How do men sort their laundry?
A. "Fifthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".
Q. Why did God create man?
A. Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
Q. Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A. So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
Two guys were strolling down the street when one guy exclaimed,
"how sad - a dead bird."
The other man looked up and said, "where?"
I lied, I wasn't too lazy.
If any of these are a bit too unfamiliyified, please delete.
How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One-He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.
Why do little boys whine?
Because they are practicing to be men.
Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why did God create man before woman?
Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Why can't men get mad cow disease?
Because they're all pigs.
What's the smartest thing a man can say?
"My wife says..."
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted a several times.
What's the best way to kill a man?
Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One-He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.
Why do little boys whine?
Because they are practicing to be men.
Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why did God create man before woman?
Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Why can't men get mad cow disease?
Because they're all pigs.
What's the smartest thing a man can say?
"My wife says..."
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted a several times.
What's the best way to kill a man?
Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
hahahaha DONT DELETE DONT DELETE DONT DELETE
honest im not a man hater...although im sure i have more than enough reason to b
honest im not a man hater...although im sure i have more than enough reason to b
bettagurl, I will admit those were hillarious and a few may or may not be true!
Where my fellas at?! We only got one list up and they got three and we out number them BIG time over here! Where is the support?
Where my fellas at?! We only got one list up and they got three and we out number them BIG time over here! Where is the support?
Men have better things to do with their time. Run the country, run the world, screw the economy, etc...
Sponsored by google:
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%... Wedding cake.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it
once.
Why dont women need to drive?
Because there isnt a road between the bedroom and the kitchen
Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kuwait several
years before the Gulf War. She noted then that women customarily
walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.
She returned to Kuwait following "Desert Storm" and observed that
the men now walked several yards behind their wives.
Ms. Walters approached one of the women and said, "This is
marvelous. Can you tell the free world just what enabled women
here to achieve this reversal of roles?"
"Land mines," said the Kuwaiti woman
why did god invent shopping carts? 2 teach women how 2 walk on their hind legs
Q. Why haven't they sent any women to the moon?
A. Because it doesn't need cleaning yet.
Q: How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None..let her cook in the dark
Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.
Q. How do you make your wife scream while having sex?
A. Call her and tell her.
Sponsored by google:
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%... Wedding cake.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it
once.
Why dont women need to drive?
Because there isnt a road between the bedroom and the kitchen
Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kuwait several
years before the Gulf War. She noted then that women customarily
walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.
She returned to Kuwait following "Desert Storm" and observed that
the men now walked several yards behind their wives.
Ms. Walters approached one of the women and said, "This is
marvelous. Can you tell the free world just what enabled women
here to achieve this reversal of roles?"
"Land mines," said the Kuwaiti woman
why did god invent shopping carts? 2 teach women how 2 walk on their hind legs
Q. Why haven't they sent any women to the moon?
A. Because it doesn't need cleaning yet.
Q: How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None..let her cook in the dark
Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.
Q. How do you make your wife scream while having sex?
A. Call her and tell her.
Chaitika;2484544; said:
1^3= 1 lolzrmorse;2484568; said:
there are some bad ones in here...
Why do women get married in white?
So they match the kitchen appliances!
Whats the difference between your wife and your dog?
Walking the dog is relaxing.
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
What have you done wrong when you wife comes out of the kitchen and starts nagging you?
made the chain too long.
Why did the woman cross the road?
Wait, better question, why is she out of the kitchen!?
A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie. The genie says "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes." The man says "Great. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars in a Swiss bank account." Phoof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand. He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here." Phoof! There is a flash of light and abright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him. He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women." Phoof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.
What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant.
Wanna hear a funny joke?
Women's rights.
Why do women live longer than men?
Because God adds them the time that they wasted on parking.
A man runs over his wife. Whose fault is it?
The man, he shouldn't be driving in the kitchen.
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
None, because they never change anything!
How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
How many divorced Women does it take to screw in a light bulb?
4,1 to screw in the bulb, 3 to form a support group.
Courses Women Should be REQUIRED to take
- Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
- The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
- Parties: Going Without New Outfits
- Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
- Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.
- Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
- Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.
- Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
- Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
- Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
- Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
- Introduction to Parking
- Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
- Water Retention: Fact or Fat
- Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
- Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
- Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
- Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
- PMS: Your Problem... Not His
- Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
- Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
- Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
- Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
- Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
- TV Remotes: For Men Only
