hey everyone. thanks for the really great advice. i went and met up with her, and i guess i went in just with the worst case scenario in mind. i went in with an open mind, some semblence of confidence (albeit rather subdued... maybe quiet dignity was the right word) and just let things take their toll. i thought a lot about what i should say or do as i was walking there, but in the end, before i left work i just wrote down this poem she sent me a few weeks ago, before we got together. it was something she sent me cuz i was feeling down. ironically i was feeling down because of her, but she had no idea at that time. in my mind i was thinking about how i should mention that poem in the event that the worst case scenario came, but i'm glad i went in and let fate do her job...
so i went there, expecting the worst, and got myself a drink and just sat outside looking at the world around me, praying to god one last time to give me this second chance i really wanted. not just cuz i wanted to see her again, but more importantly so that she can see me for who i felt i truly was, and not that silly person who made no sense 36 hours ago. she came and we sat and just small talked. she looked at me quizically at first, and was like 'is everything ok?'. i just looked at her and i said quietly 'i feel terrible for what happened on saturday. it was not right of me to behave like that.' she looked at me and laughed a bit and asked me if i was still troubled by that. i told her again that i was out of line, and i felt terrible for what happened. she then told me she hadn't thought about it since. all the time i was thinking to myself - 'she's just being nonchalant before dropping the bomb'. but we proceeded to talk about normal stuff, about work, about what we did the weekend after the concert.
we ended up walking to this sports store to buy an exercise heart rate monitor thing for jogging. she was looking for one and i told her there was a sports store a few blocks away, and we just went there and looked around and she eventually brought something. we also went to the grocery store and she got some detergent. all this time, i was feeling a bit better as the time went on and i kept telling myself to just be cool, be yourself to the extent you can, but inside my head and heart i was still waiting for the bomb to drop. still waiting for those last couple of word 'hey, thanks for meeting up... there's something that i think we should talk about...'
but thankfully those words never came.
after buying her stuff, i walked her back to her car where we said out good byes, and went off on our ways. almost like before all this happened.
right now you have no idea how relieved i am. i don't think i am out of the woods by any means, but i feel like i've been given a second chance at this. i may sound all gushy and what not, but i don't really care. sometimes when you are given a second chance at something that you really didn't think you had a hell's chance at, you start looking at things differently. i know i've changed my mindset a lot from 36 hours ago as crazy as it sounds. the me from 36 hours ago was not much different from the guy who experienced heartbreak in the past, but for some reason never learned that much from it. i took a deep, hard look at myself this weekend. aided by some good friends who offered not only a listening ear, but a firm voice of reason and logic that made me want to come out of this as a better person. i am not afraid to admit i started searching up online about helping to build self confidence, self esteem, and listening to some clips on youtube about all this. i have also wrote down a bunch of stuff i believe will help me come out of this, whether it's just by myself, or hopefully still with her. i felt i owed it to myself at the very least to stop the cycle of feelings, mentalities that were preventing me from growing as a person, and even though i am 28, as the saying goes 'you can still teach an old dog new tricks'... and heck, i'm only a 4 year old dog in that case so there's still plenty of time.
in any case... i'm hoping that this second chance is here to stay. i feel relieved that what i was fearing to hear the most didn't come and i certainly am not going to make those same mistakes again.
i don't really have any words of wisdom to impart on anyone, but i guess if there is anything i've gotten out of this episode, it's that if you really want to make a change, you are your own agent, your own catalyst. sometimes it take unpleasant events to wake you up, to relook your life. and hopefully when you are given that second chance you embrace it and come out willing to be a better person from it.
have a good night everyone.
