U GOT JOKES?

[BIGgourami]

here's an old one.

1. A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

2. An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didnt happen today.

3. A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

4. An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

5. A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didnt know you had in a way you dont understand.

6. A mathematician is like a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isnt there.

7. A topologist is a someone who doesnt know the difference between a coffee cup and doughnut.

8. A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief."

9. A psychologist is someone who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

10. A professor is one who talks in someone elses sleep.

11. A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

12. A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

 

[Red Devil]

sorry i ended up posting the wrong one.. i will have more later.

 

[Razman]

alright time to resurrect this thread, sorry guys.

if practice makes perfect but nobodys perfect whats the point in practicing?

 

[JuanTamad]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a
gorgeous redhead sitting alone at the next table. He
had noticed her since he sat down, but lacks the nerve
to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying
out of its socket towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air,
and hands it back.

Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her
eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she
says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards
they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk,
they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he
shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would
like to come to her place for a nightcap.

They continue to have a wonderful time back at her
apartment. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO
incredible!! !

"You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are
you this nice to every guy you meet? "

"No, " she replies. . . . . You just happened to catch
my eye."


Awww...shut up and post your joke. It's your turn....

 

[tankyou]

alright time to resurrect this thread, sorry guys.

if practice makes perfect but nobodys perfect whats the point in practicing?

Raz I thank you for your dilegence!!!!!!
I agree lets keep the jokes rolling I know there are some funny people out there!!!?

 

[BIGgourami]

An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear. Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpses anus and licked it. Now you must do the same, he told the class.
After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed.
Second, the professor continued, you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this mans anus, but licked my index finger?


As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, If Im going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.
She removes all her clothing and asks, Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, Here, iron this.

 

[CichlidPharmer]

if practice makes perfect but nobodys perfect whats the point in practicing?

That's because I'm a nobody. Like you said nobody is perfect therefore I'm perfect!

 

[tankyou]

Naww...perfect practice makes perfect.

 

[tyl089]

shortly after the first gulf war:

sadam hussein called the french minister of defense and ranted and raved screaming at the minister calling him a pig, a pig frog and damnable liar and screamed "you said those fighter jets you sold us are state-of-the art and is just as good if not better than all the other planes my enemies have but instead, they were either shot down or had to flee to iran where the US and their cronies established air supremacy and won the war. it was your fault i lost and I ought to have you dragged here and be tortured to death."
the french minister merely calmy said to sadam "monsieur, why do you think we named them the Mirage?"

 

[greenterra]

Glad I never had room mates with Knock Knock Jokes like this one. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4DFTmBrMYPw