U GOT JOKES?
- Thread starter tankyou
- Start date
tankyou;778600; said:
damn! you were supposed to be like "oh my god! what the hell?"
and then id be like "man, your terrible at knock-knock joke. youwere supposed to say 'last night i was thinking about killing myself, who?' "
that'd be the punch line.
aloha mean hello in hawaii. it also mean's good bye.
huh, i guess that why you never tell a blind man aloha in hawaii.
a native american is satnding on the road and see's an SUV dump some trash on the side of the road,
and begins to weep silently.
he see's the same SUV at a gas station further up the road. he picks up a rock and cratches the SUV right as the owner steps out of the convience store.
"there, now you know how my people feel." and walks away
The SUV owner begins to weep silently.
How much does a pirate charge for an ear peircing?
A buck-an-ear... (bucaneer)
Why did the blonde get lipstick all over the steering wheel?
She was trying to blow the horn..
A buck-an-ear... (bucaneer)
Why did the blonde get lipstick all over the steering wheel?
She was trying to blow the horn..
A girl from Texas and a girl from New York were seated side by side on an airplane. The girl from Texas, being friendly and all, said: "So, where y'all from?"
The New York girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."
The girl from Texas sat quietly for a few moments and then replied: "So, where y'all from, *****?"
The New York girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."
The girl from Texas sat quietly for a few moments and then replied: "So, where y'all from, *****?"
Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her side. He held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face. Her pale lips moved. "Jake," she said quietly.
"Hush," he quickly interrupted, "don't talk."
But she insisted. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I must confess." "There is nothing to confess," said the weeping Jake. "It's all right. Everything's all right." "No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Jake, that I have been unfaithful to you." Jake stroked her hand, squeezed it and sobbingly told her, "Now Becky, don't be concerned. I know all about it," he cried uncontrollably. "Why else would I poison you?"
"Hush," he quickly interrupted, "don't talk."
But she insisted. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I must confess." "There is nothing to confess," said the weeping Jake. "It's all right. Everything's all right." "No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Jake, that I have been unfaithful to you." Jake stroked her hand, squeezed it and sobbingly told her, "Now Becky, don't be concerned. I know all about it," he cried uncontrollably. "Why else would I poison you?"
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY:
Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.
AND FINALLY:
IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE: "TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY:
Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.
AND FINALLY:
IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE: "TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!
fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too Cna yuo raed tihs?
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at
Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a
wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be
in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed
it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey
lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I
awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at
Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a
wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be
in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed
it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey
lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I
awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
