U GOT JOKES?
- Thread starter tankyou
- Start date
A guy is drinking tequila at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant, high above the city. He grabs a shot, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was even more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him. Astonished, the guy asks "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the ground!". The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, slams it down, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all... splat. The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him, "You're really an ******* when you're drunk, Superman."
A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Mexican is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want." The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila." Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make me piss tequila." The Genie grants him his wish. When the Mexican gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like tequila. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like tequila. So, he takes a taste and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted. The Mexican yells to his wife, "Consuelo, Consuelo, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Mexican takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is tequila. Consuelo is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best
tequila she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night. The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the tequila is excellent and the couple drinks until the sun comes up.
Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home and tells his wife, "Consuelo grabs one glass from the cupboard and we will drink tequila." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Mexican begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?" Pancho raised the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle!"
tequila she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night. The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the tequila is excellent and the couple drinks until the sun comes up.
Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home and tells his wife, "Consuelo grabs one glass from the cupboard and we will drink tequila." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Mexican begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?" Pancho raised the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle!"
-It stops anguish
-It erases guilt
-It helps you forget
-It loosens your tongue
-It loosens thighs
-It keeps you away from the office
-It smoothens relations
-It fixes broken hearts
-It brings friends together
-It makes you forget hunger
-It causes blushes
-It destroys shyness
-It tunes your voice
-It lifts your spirits
-It helps romance
-It gives you warmth
-It closes deals
-It opens doors
-It makes waits shorter
-It cures sadness
-It increases joy
-It improves digestion
-It kills belly worms
Although... after midnight:
-It makes hidden beauty blossom
-It overpays at the bar
-It moves roads, lampposts, keyholes and stairs.
-It unbuckles, unzips and tears buttons
-It makes panties and trunks drop
-It makes you a lousy shot
-It makes erections impossible or over long.
... and the next morning:
-It causes headaches and thirst
-It makes you amnesiac
-It provokes tears and arguments (like "what do you mean whats my name?", "you told me you loved me", "what will you think of me now?", "you looked gorgeous", "where is my wallet", etc...)
-It erases guilt
-It helps you forget
-It loosens your tongue
-It loosens thighs
-It keeps you away from the office
-It smoothens relations
-It fixes broken hearts
-It brings friends together
-It makes you forget hunger
-It causes blushes
-It destroys shyness
-It tunes your voice
-It lifts your spirits
-It helps romance
-It gives you warmth
-It closes deals
-It opens doors
-It makes waits shorter
-It cures sadness
-It increases joy
-It improves digestion
-It kills belly worms
Although... after midnight:
-It makes hidden beauty blossom
-It overpays at the bar
-It moves roads, lampposts, keyholes and stairs.
-It unbuckles, unzips and tears buttons
-It makes panties and trunks drop
-It makes you a lousy shot
-It makes erections impossible or over long.
... and the next morning:
-It causes headaches and thirst
-It makes you amnesiac
-It provokes tears and arguments (like "what do you mean whats my name?", "you told me you loved me", "what will you think of me now?", "you looked gorgeous", "where is my wallet", etc...)
Three male mice are sitting at a bar with three shots of tequila arguing about how tough they are. The first mouse says, "I'm so tough I break into the cupboard just to eat the rat poison." He slams down his tequila and looks at the second mouse. The second mouse replies, "That's nothing. I'm so tough I run through a mouse trap, grab the cheese, flip onto my back & bench-press the killer springed trap wire." He slams down his tequila and looks at the third mouse. The third mouse slams down his tequila, slides off his stool and begins walking away from the bar. The other mice scream, "Hey, Softy, where do you think you're going?!!" The third mouse replies, "Home to shag the cat."
A priest was very nervous because he was giving his first mass. He asked Monsignor Angel, his superior, for advice. The older priest told him to have a few sips of tequila to relax himself.
The next Sunday, he did as he was told, and not only was he no longer nervous, he felt positively wonderful. When the mass was over everybody was clapping and cheering loudly, he was grateful for the good advice.
However, he found an envelope the next day. The letter read:
"Dear Padre: I'm glad that you lost your fear of the crowd, and that you followed my advice. However, I have a few observations regarding your sermon of this morning:
1- Drink a little tequila at a time, do not swallow it all down.
2- Don't put lemon and salt in the chalice.
3- Your prayer book is not a cup holder.
4- The mantle with the image of Our Lord Jesus Christ must not be used as a napkin.
5- There are 10 commandments, not 12.
6- There were 12 apostles, not 10.
7- We do not refer to the Holy Cross as "that big 'T' back there".
8- David defeated Goliath with a sling and a rock; he did not "blow his ass up with dynamite".
9- Eve tempted Adam with the forbidden fruit; she did not "screw him and leave him to **** himself".
10- Cain murdered Abel; he did not "kick his ass to death".
11- We do not refer to Judas, as "that ****ing traitor".
12- Mary Magdalene was a repented sinner, not "a sleazy wh***".
13- The Pope is our spiritual guide on Earth, not "the coolest Christian of all".
14- Judas sold Jesus for 30 gold coins, not at Wal-Mart for 100 bucks.
Yours Truly: Monsignor Angel (not "that guy in red")
The next Sunday, he did as he was told, and not only was he no longer nervous, he felt positively wonderful. When the mass was over everybody was clapping and cheering loudly, he was grateful for the good advice.
However, he found an envelope the next day. The letter read:
"Dear Padre: I'm glad that you lost your fear of the crowd, and that you followed my advice. However, I have a few observations regarding your sermon of this morning:
1- Drink a little tequila at a time, do not swallow it all down.
2- Don't put lemon and salt in the chalice.
3- Your prayer book is not a cup holder.
4- The mantle with the image of Our Lord Jesus Christ must not be used as a napkin.
5- There are 10 commandments, not 12.
6- There were 12 apostles, not 10.
7- We do not refer to the Holy Cross as "that big 'T' back there".
8- David defeated Goliath with a sling and a rock; he did not "blow his ass up with dynamite".
9- Eve tempted Adam with the forbidden fruit; she did not "screw him and leave him to **** himself".
10- Cain murdered Abel; he did not "kick his ass to death".
11- We do not refer to Judas, as "that ****ing traitor".
12- Mary Magdalene was a repented sinner, not "a sleazy wh***".
13- The Pope is our spiritual guide on Earth, not "the coolest Christian of all".
14- Judas sold Jesus for 30 gold coins, not at Wal-Mart for 100 bucks.
Yours Truly: Monsignor Angel (not "that guy in red")
Man came home from a bad day at work wanting a little booty.his wife really likes the rough angry sex so he tells her, "Honey, tell me something that will make me mad and happy at the same time." she replies,"you are better in bed than your brother."
a man issitting in front of the tv one day when his wife comes in and says,
"Bob, when are you going to fix that leaky faucet?"
"I would honey but, i aint no plumber"
the next day the wife asks the husband,
"Bob can you fix the washing machine"
"i would honey, but i aint no electrician"
so the next day a pacage comes in the mail for the wife. when the deliveery man drops it off the wife tells him "handy" her husband is around the house and asks the delivery man to assemble it for her. the delivery guy says,
"well i will but you'll have to either sleep with me or bake me a cake"
the husband comes home and his wife tell him whathas happened,
"well so what did you do?" asks the husband
"well, i aint no Betty Crocker!"
"Bob, when are you going to fix that leaky faucet?"
"I would honey but, i aint no plumber"
the next day the wife asks the husband,
"Bob can you fix the washing machine"
"i would honey, but i aint no electrician"
so the next day a pacage comes in the mail for the wife. when the deliveery man drops it off the wife tells him "handy" her husband is around the house and asks the delivery man to assemble it for her. the delivery guy says,
"well i will but you'll have to either sleep with me or bake me a cake"
the husband comes home and his wife tell him whathas happened,
"well so what did you do?" asks the husband
"well, i aint no Betty Crocker!"
