i wish my girlfriend would tlel me what fish to get or not get honetly lol, it would help me make this decision between fresh and salt water on this 75... all i get is 'well its your tank, do what makes you happy' >_<
Has fishkeeping ever ruined a relationship?
- Thread starter mshill90
- Start date
Look, I'm not going to leave him. I've stuck with him for this long, it would be pointless to give up on something like this but it's very emotionally exhausting, and I am sure some of you all can relate.
I love how someone said I created this monster.. really? That's like taking someone out to the horse track for a race as a hobby, and then they become addicted to it. It's not the person who took them fault now is it? No. We all make our own decisions.
I have never said "No, you can not get this fish, or this one, or this one.." Unless we really did not have the room for it. I always said, I don't really want another fish, but it's your money. Because he buys the fish he wants..
But for example: We were offered a 180 gallon tank with over flows. We don't run sumps, and we don't do saltwater.. so I said NO. We don't need it. The next thing I know, it's sitting on my front porch one day. This is what makes me so mad! We have NO use for this tank.. yet we have it.
There are things around the house that needs to be done that I can not do, but have been asking him since they seem easy enough. Our bathroom drain is clogged.. has been for months. He was off for a week and a half for vacation, so I said, hey.. can you unclog the pipe? Well, he's at work, and the sink is still clogged.
Do NOT get me wrong, I LOVE that we have this and many other things in common, but there needs to be a limit to everything.
We did go out last night for dinner, and we had a really nice time. He actually listened to me when I said I didn't want to talk about fish. We then had a nice evening watching a movie, and looking at some wedding ideas.
He knows exactly how I feel about the fish thing, and I understand it makes him happy. But there needs to be a line where hobby and relationship time intersect. How many of you would be ok with seeing your significant other that you live with for an hour a day? It gets too you after a while.
Our work schedules are different.. I work first, he works second.. but we agreed on that because at the time we had a sick dog that needed watched after all the time. We still work these shifts because it works out with the other dogs, and we can both get things done around the house. So he comes home at 11 sometimes later, and I try to stay up with him so that I have that time to spend with him.. but a lot of the time I end up going to bed because a quick 5 minute "turning the fish lights off" often turns into a 2 hour "I had this idea.."
There are no other issues that have been brought to my attention, or that I know of in our relationship. When we were into the hobby together things were still fine because we spent time together.. but he's just taken things really far to the point that he's in the basement with the fish as much as he works.
I love how someone said I created this monster.. really? That's like taking someone out to the horse track for a race as a hobby, and then they become addicted to it. It's not the person who took them fault now is it? No. We all make our own decisions.
I have never said "No, you can not get this fish, or this one, or this one.." Unless we really did not have the room for it. I always said, I don't really want another fish, but it's your money. Because he buys the fish he wants..
But for example: We were offered a 180 gallon tank with over flows. We don't run sumps, and we don't do saltwater.. so I said NO. We don't need it. The next thing I know, it's sitting on my front porch one day. This is what makes me so mad! We have NO use for this tank.. yet we have it.
There are things around the house that needs to be done that I can not do, but have been asking him since they seem easy enough. Our bathroom drain is clogged.. has been for months. He was off for a week and a half for vacation, so I said, hey.. can you unclog the pipe? Well, he's at work, and the sink is still clogged.
Do NOT get me wrong, I LOVE that we have this and many other things in common, but there needs to be a limit to everything.
We did go out last night for dinner, and we had a really nice time. He actually listened to me when I said I didn't want to talk about fish. We then had a nice evening watching a movie, and looking at some wedding ideas.
He knows exactly how I feel about the fish thing, and I understand it makes him happy. But there needs to be a line where hobby and relationship time intersect. How many of you would be ok with seeing your significant other that you live with for an hour a day? It gets too you after a while.
Our work schedules are different.. I work first, he works second.. but we agreed on that because at the time we had a sick dog that needed watched after all the time. We still work these shifts because it works out with the other dogs, and we can both get things done around the house. So he comes home at 11 sometimes later, and I try to stay up with him so that I have that time to spend with him.. but a lot of the time I end up going to bed because a quick 5 minute "turning the fish lights off" often turns into a 2 hour "I had this idea.."
There are no other issues that have been brought to my attention, or that I know of in our relationship. When we were into the hobby together things were still fine because we spent time together.. but he's just taken things really far to the point that he's in the basement with the fish as much as he works.
Here's one thing to consider (don't know what you have against sumps though?):
When he brings home things you don't need and aren't going to use, sell them and use the money for the repairs you need around the house. Sell off your other equipment you know you won't be using as well.
The whole thing just sounds like a communication breakdown to me, manifesting itself with this hobby. Good luck.
When he brings home things you don't need and aren't going to use, sell them and use the money for the repairs you need around the house. Sell off your other equipment you know you won't be using as well.
The whole thing just sounds like a communication breakdown to me, manifesting itself with this hobby. Good luck.
I don't have anything against sumps, I just don't like them personally. Blame it on a horribly built acrylic tank with sump that never functioned correctly.
We have sold off everything that we are not going to be using- or will need anytime soon. We don't need the money for house repairs, he just needs to stop being lazy and do them. It took him 2.5 years to add trim work to a door we put in the kitchen.. the whole thing took him an hour to complete while he was on his vacation time. I would fix things, but he likes things done his way, and he's a lot more handy than me. I am not the most mechanically inclined person. haha.
And I am hoping the 180 sells, as I have a ton of stuff for salt water that I am including in the thing so that it's a good start for someone. But it's buy, sell, then buy something else with that money.. and because we are not married yet, and it's not my money, my talking to him falls on deaf ears.
It very well could be communication.. but I'm pretty much doing everything other than writing things on his forehead.
Sit him down, tell him this isn't working, and you're not happy with the relationship as it is. If he's a smart guy and cares about you, he'll listen and try to make a difference. If he doesn't then, rest assured it will be a sign of things to come down the road. You'll need to make a decision at that point.
i just spotted a fragment of the true problem in what you said. "i stay up just to spend time with him, but i often go to bed he could start talking about fish".
you seem to be deprived of time. your staggered shifts don't work out well emotionally for you, no matter how technically they work out. by the time he gets home, your exhausted so you scrounge for that last few seconds to be with him each night.
work, money, and time are all intertwined. this seems to be an issue on the bread-winning level. where time is too short and it hurts the little time you do have for both of you. i know this answer is like trying to untangle a ball of string, but you need to find a way to have more free time at the SAME time as your husband. that way he can have several hours to spend with his fish and it won't bug you one bit because theres several hours still to be spent on you too.
this is why retired couples/ rich (and workless) people have strong relationships. back when you two were loving it together, i bet you had alot more time back then. life advances and now it seems your caught up with something thats depriving you of it. couples often deprived of free time due to work stress/financial stress start targeting false-problems indirectly as you stated "Why is the sink clogged?" "quit leaving your socks all over the place!" "you never do anything around here!". not that YOU said all of those personally, but its a very common example in psycology.
you seem to be deprived of time. your staggered shifts don't work out well emotionally for you, no matter how technically they work out. by the time he gets home, your exhausted so you scrounge for that last few seconds to be with him each night.
work, money, and time are all intertwined. this seems to be an issue on the bread-winning level. where time is too short and it hurts the little time you do have for both of you. i know this answer is like trying to untangle a ball of string, but you need to find a way to have more free time at the SAME time as your husband. that way he can have several hours to spend with his fish and it won't bug you one bit because theres several hours still to be spent on you too.
this is why retired couples/ rich (and workless) people have strong relationships. back when you two were loving it together, i bet you had alot more time back then. life advances and now it seems your caught up with something thats depriving you of it. couples often deprived of free time due to work stress/financial stress start targeting false-problems indirectly as you stated "Why is the sink clogged?" "quit leaving your socks all over the place!" "you never do anything around here!". not that YOU said all of those personally, but its a very common example in psycology.
That isn't what I said.. I said that I stay up to spend time with him, and then a 5 minute in the basement trip turns into 2 hours..
When we first got together, we lived somewhere else, and we could only have 1 fish tank, and I was still in high school.
But now, it's not our shifts at all, because he does have time for his fish. I go to work at 7.. He goes to work at 2 pm.. He gets up at 9.. he's spends that entire time frame with the fish. That should be plenty of time.
for you it should be plenty of time. but he's obviously not rationalizing it the same way. like i said, a time constraint. its clear that 2 hours (or however much time he spends down there) isn't enough for him.
I edited my post a bit. im not where your at so its impossible to know, but based on what you said alone. i added more detail to my point in reply.
i know much about time constraints, being in the military alot of things must be sacrificed. but understanding the toll it takes makes it easier to look at rather than living in chaos.
I edited my post a bit. im not where your at so its impossible to know, but based on what you said alone. i added more detail to my point in reply.
i know much about time constraints, being in the military alot of things must be sacrificed. but understanding the toll it takes makes it easier to look at rather than living in chaos.
He wakes up around 9.. goes to the basement.. doesn't come out of the basement until 1. He's spending 4 hours right there, and then another 2 hours at night in the fish room. Out of the 14 hours he's home.. it's fish, and sleeping.
As for the drain clogging issue.. I just want to be able to brush my teeth. haha.
He lets his socks lay, and I let my books lay.. we go on about life with things that would normally drive others crazy.
I just want a little more time with him... we are both off on the weekends, and while we do go for drives.. it's always for something fish related that he wants.
So really, fishkeeping isn't the problem at all...it's that he doesn't want to spend time with you.
He is obviously satisfied with the amount of time he spends with you, but you aren't. I hate to sound negative, but have you considered the possibility that he is losing interest in the relationship and just doesn't know how to tell you?
