so confused....

[Spankbelly]

Yes I understand why.
You Navygirl and what's her name did a real good job of breaking it down.
I know you did, because I already knew and agree with what you said.
Maybe i should have added a question mark,
...must want it?
I don't know why. I can't relate.
Because while I understand manipulation and control very well, I really don't agree that everyone in the world is a victim. If you do know anything about psychology you know that some people do, for some reason, like to be abused.
No it is not like saying a child who was repeatedly raped and beaten asked for it.
I know, because as a child I was repeatedly raped and beaten.
As an adult, and even as an adolescent, I do not tolerate it.
Some people do get a pay off.
Not everyone. Not me. But some do.
And you can't save everyone from the choices they make.
There is not one answer to this question. Humans are more complicated than that.

 

[nativelover]

so whats the plan nativelover? any idea of what you are gonna do?

no plan... hadnt talked to her since sunday cause she got mad at me and ive had too much to do regarding school and boot (which is why she got mad ) but were goin to see the Hulk tomorrow night. maybe something will happen

 

[Nic]

if you read my pm.... just be careful if he comes around

 

[nativelover]

if you read my pm.... just be careful if he comes around

ya i got it.

im pretty much the same way. only thing is i havnt seen him since january. and really didnt feel like it at the mall.

 

[Tongue33]

OK.

so theres this girl (ya i know, you just said "here we go.."). Shes a cool girl, i like bein with her, aww what the hell, i like her...

but she has a BF... thats not the problem though (i can fix that). her BF is like BiPolar... one day hes nice to her the next he beats her up... wtf?

today was thier 10 month anniversary...(i guess )... so i go to her house and im there for about 3 hours. after awhile she had to get ready to go to a movie with him so im just hangin out while she gets ready, he calls and starts making threats (about me, cause i was going to give her a ride to the theater cause his dumbass don't drive). well she covered it up that i wasn't there and i was only comming to get her around 4... he subsides, for a little bit. then starts yelling at her and saying hes gunna break both my legs and such (ya right...whats he thinking )... this is where i we start talkin about it (me and her, not him) and it turns out he still ( i say still cause he did it back in Jan... she said she didnt want him there and he showed up at her house...) beats her up when he has these mood swings. the back of her leg is bruised and her knee cap has a deep black mark on it, plus her back is bruised from being pushed into a wall... i ask her why she puts up with it and all i get is "its complicated"...ended up driving her to the mall to meet him but never saw him.

well, thats most of the story... besides having to hide in the bathroom from her parents and squeeze out of a 12" x 20" window, then jump off a two story roof...onto the drive way...

anyways... ill be with her next weekend..but what does "complicated mean"?

if i was in that situation id break it off, and in my situation, if i see him im going to want to kick his ass... (yes i know, its not worth it, but the urge is there)...

what would you do?

Complicated means..

She is abused.

It means she is scared.

It means she Doesn't think she can escape.

It means she is giving up on having hope...(You maybe be hope)

It means she needs proffessional help ASAP more than he does.Because at this point help for him starts with her calling the police or someone seeing her get beat up calling the police. mainly because She has issues!! She is a Battered woman.. She needs counseling..

It means thse thinks she can handle it and hasn't quite found the way....

It means she wants you to Pry or bounce

It means hey she likes the Drama and the chance of her getting caught are getting her high.

It means she lied right to him infront of you and is pretty much cheating on him with you.. Making her un trustworthy. Hence not really worthy or capable anymore of holding down a relationship.. Well not until she faces the fact she is Co dependant and institutionalized in her head to belong in an abusive relationship.

It means if you are going to stay in then you need to jump in...

if you are looking for a romantic relationship.. You are looking in the wrong place.. she is looking for a way out. And you may seem to be that way out.

It means 'PLEASE HELP ME... I CANNOT HELP MYSELF!"

I would look locally for some abuse hotlines and how to help an abused person.

I would stop the romantic part of it as in my opinion the she is giving you romance for safety if you really like her and care for her.. HELP her get HELP! Maybe down the road when she has healed up some and is a human and treats her self as such instead of a whipping post.. Then maybe a relationship is a possibility. But right now she doesn;t need any help staying co dependant.. she needs help on reallizing she needs to get out of her abusive ways now!

That is my opinion.

So if you are more interested in her staying alive from an obvious threat to her LIFE.. Get all the info you can on battered and abused women and find all the info you can on how to approach and help such afflicted and go from there..

As a Man you are naturally diseased with Macho... and want to show her and him how tough he isn't.. But this will ruin your life if you are caught.. So don;t be a dope!

 

[Tongue33]

Another incite

Kicking his tail.. that is not going to help her.. You might as well beat her up or to death for him As once your done.. he will find his way into a date with her or back into her life shortly..... And the next beating may be her last!! But you can guarantee it will be worse as he will take out his anger at you on her.. You can bank on that

 

[navygirl76]

yeah i agree with tongue-dont beat him up- you will only look like the bad guy because she feels she is trying to help him somehow..

she really needs some mental health counseling-i hope someday she sees that and can be brave enough to see someone.

 

[Spankbelly]

yeah i agree with tongue-dont beat him up- you will only look like the bad guy because she feels she is trying to help him somehow..

she really needs some mental health counseling-i hope someday she sees that and can be brave enough to see someone.

navygirl
I've been thinking about the wording or tone of my last post.
I'm not sure if it was or was not entirely appropriate. I really can't tell.
If I read it one way it seems fine and makes sense to me. If I read it another way it sounds too aggressive and...I don't know, maybe like I'm saying you don't know what you are talking about at all.
Was that demeaning?
Probably.
If so, I don't think that is the proper message I should have sent to you.
I realize you are a woman of some experience in this world. You of course have insights as a woman that I do not.
The advise you are giving is largely accurate and of good intent.
If I was being rude, and I'm not sure that I was, that was not appropriate.
I do not question the ideas of my message. Only the tone and impression of it.
I know I am aggressive and argumentative by nature. And that certain topics bring this out more than others. And that I insist that others think as I do, even when I have no right to insist.
My aggressive righteous attitude was breed and nurtured into me. It is one of the qualities that allowed me to survive things most do not want to imagine.
I am not certain if some hostility towards the subject matter itself, was misplaced in your direction.

However, I do not think there is only one explanation or solution to any human problem. Our problems and solutions are as diverse as the people involved.
The more complex the problems becomes, so must the diagnoses of cause and prescription become.
Of course this is a fish forum, not a hospital, so we must keep advise general and simple. As you are.
I understand that you know what it is like to be a woman.
But you might not know what it is like to be every woman.
Whatever, I feel a rant coming on. So I'll leave it at that.


I only wanted to say that my tone may have been misplaced.
And you probably didn't deserve it.

 

[drgnfly829]

reading these posts makes me realize how good i had it growing up and how good i have it now.
I'm 41 both parents still married and in house I grew up in we all (sisters and I) live within a 10 mile radius, we have jobs, homes, minor day to day drama
life's not perfect, but jeez what you all went through....I'm sorry about that, not my fault but sad that it happens
need to call dad and go for a walk with him or something for fathers day
( he has enough ties, socks etc)
nativelover, i know you're a big guy but if the boyfriend gets hold of a gun or knife, that doesn't much matter
regarding the bipolar thing, and the damsel in distress, you can't help people who really don't want it they have to be ready to make a change and accept that they need help to make it happen.
And some people do feed on drama
Where are this girls parents? She lives in their home I doubt they would aprreciate someone beating her.
About the woman being abused issue, female but can't really relate, we're all big women and kinda crazy (In a good way-sorta) and have friends we can call as a last resort
Ugh this is really complicated stuff so many factors and I don't have the answers
Time to go call dad and tell him he's pretty cool. And I guess I won't stick them in the nursing home when they get too decrepit(specially since I still call him if i run out of gas on 95)
I hope things work out the best way possible for all involved

 

[water_baby83]

Native - as another quick side note, just wanted to let you know that aside from the work I do with animals I am also a licensed Advanced Paralegal with two of my six specialites being in Criminal Law and Criminal Procedure, and another being in Victim Advocacy. I have dealt with situations like this (from a legal standpoint) more than you could possibly know, and there are a plethora of protections put in place to keep her safe if she can get away from him, and just as many laws that will nail his rear to the wall.
In California - which I see is where you are from, and where I am also... It does not matter if the victim wants to press charges or not.
People watch too much Law & Order.
It's not up to them. Once the police get involved it is totally out of your or their hands, investigations are made, reports are written and those are forwarded to the District Attorney who reviews those reports and THEY are the ones who press charges, they are the ones who call the shots, NOT the victim or anyone else.
Domestic Violence cases are duel cases in that they are not only punishable in criminal law, but also in civil law. What this means is that if he were convicted of these crimes in a court of law and criminally held accountable (which would be no less than 2 years for some of the crimes that he has commited, which will more than likely result in multiple counts for some of the same charges, tacking on additional time, including more I am sure once it all surfaces), then he could also be prosecuted by the victim or victim's family (considering she is still a minor) in a Civil court by way of a law suit for damages upon their child, their home life, etc.

Once the authorities are involved, there will be an emergency protective order put into place, and most likely he will be arrested and detained until he is arraigned. Even though he may be released on bail before the proceedings are over, the protective order will keep her and her family safe, and once he has been officially charged a restraining order can be ordered by the judge for a set amount of time, or indefinately until the victim and judge see it fit to remove. He will be bound to these orders whether he likes it or not, and violation of such will land his butt right back in jail, and bail could be revoked, meaning he would have to remain in custody until the end of the proceedings and when sentencing was imposed.

There are several several agencies that are readily available to her for counseling, self defense, and so much more at no charge to her. But they cannot know that this is taking place unless and until someone speaks up. By law I am a mandated reporter of abuse, which means that if I personally know of, or have the reasonable suspicion that abuse is taking place, has already taken place, or is going to take place, I must by law report it to the authorities. This situation makes it slightly more difficult because I do not know you or the girl, nor where you two are specifically located, real names, etc., etc. so I am limited to what I can do to help at this point, however I urge you, if you care about this girl - even if you are not sure whether or not a healthy relationship could ever be established between the two of you, if you care at all, please do her a favor and make that call.

Her parent's are going to have a lot to answer for, and will most likely be investigated as well, but that is not your problem nor your concern. You should be focusing on her and what needs to be done in order to help her and punish him. Let me tell you somthing, there are all kinds of criminals in county jails and state prisons, and I won't lie, the vast majority are there because they damn well deserve to be there. It's not easy to get to prison, so even if you were "innocent" of the last thing you were convicted on, chances are, you have done enough to earn your place in prison anyways. And though there are inmates there who have done unimaginable things to other people, one thing that always always remains the same, is that those who abuse children are the first ones to get their arse handed to them in prison. This my friend, is a better punishment than you could ever bless him with, and one which will ensure her saftey, and provide her with the necessary help she so desperately needs.