U GOT JOKES?
- Thread starter tankyou
- Start date
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
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There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
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Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"
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An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he discovered a little Leprechaun flat on his back, with a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.
"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.
"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"
"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize." And the golfer walked away.
"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun said to himself. "I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want...a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."
A year went by quickly (as it does in stories like this), and the American golfer came back On the same hole, he again hit a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun was there waiting for him.
"T'was me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy said. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"
"My game is fantastic!" the golfer replied . "I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He then added, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."
"Oh, I'm fine now, thankye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know.
And tell me, how's yer money situation?"
"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer answered. "When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't even know were there!"
"I did that fer ye also." And tell me, how's your sex life?"
The golfer blushed, and turned his head away in embarrassment, and said shyly, "It's OK."
"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?"
Blushing even more, the golfer looked around then whispered, "Once, sometimes twice a week."
"What??" responded the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?"
"Well," said the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a priest in a small parish."
Smile & be at peace with the world.
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he discovered a little Leprechaun flat on his back, with a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.
"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.
"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"
"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize." And the golfer walked away.
"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun said to himself. "I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want...a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."
A year went by quickly (as it does in stories like this), and the American golfer came back On the same hole, he again hit a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun was there waiting for him.
"T'was me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy said. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"
"My game is fantastic!" the golfer replied . "I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He then added, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."
"Oh, I'm fine now, thankye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know.
And tell me, how's yer money situation?"
"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer answered. "When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't even know were there!"
"I did that fer ye also." And tell me, how's your sex life?"
The golfer blushed, and turned his head away in embarrassment, and said shyly, "It's OK."
"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?"
Blushing even more, the golfer looked around then whispered, "Once, sometimes twice a week."
"What??" responded the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?"
"Well," said the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a priest in a small parish."
Smile & be at peace with the world.
ok, here is a good one, i just hope that it hasn't been done before.
there is a dumb blonde, a smart blonde, and santa clause. they all think that their lives are terrible, so they are all going to jump off of a building. any ways, they jump........who hits the ground first?
the dumb blonde, because the other two don't exist. lol
there is a dumb blonde, a smart blonde, and santa clause. they all think that their lives are terrible, so they are all going to jump off of a building. any ways, they jump........who hits the ground first?
the dumb blonde, because the other two don't exist. lol
vexter;826454; said:
lol haven't heard that one before, have a whole bunch of those kinda jokes in a txt file
And those joke pics are great Liz, the shark and birdbath one are hilarious.
LOL thanks Steve, sun is shining .. i am out for awhiletRiP;826699; said:lol haven't heard that one before, have a whole bunch of those kinda jokes in a txt file
And those joke pics are great Liz, the shark and birdbath one are hilarious.
